How are you?

Gosh I have been very delinquent in writing! 

My baby is already 7 months and is standing. She is very malikot. She even pulls to stand while breastfeeding. 

Then she has started screaming and shrieking.

She actually started babbling at around 2.5 months and  started jabbering "mumumum" (albeit infrequently) by the end of 4th month. After that she seemed very happy and quiet. That actually worried me.  (I have lots of worries) 

She was more interested in making weird razzling sounds and moving around. But she would let all her consonants and her voice out when she was complaining. 

Then at exactly 7 month she just started shrieking.

So imagine a malikot and a happy shrieking baby.

My hands are full.

Imagine me lying down to breastfeed and her drinking my breastmilk as if she is sipping buko juice from a coconut. She feeds either kneeling or standing. 

You know, every morning when I wake up...I thank God for the night and every night before I sleep, I thank God for the day. I have so much happiness, sadness, fears and gratefulness that my head hurts from all the emotions I feel...

Have you all read the book "Someday" and "Wish?"

Gosh, grabe. Iyak ako talaga.

Xoxo,

L

Tupperware

Has it been more than a week since I last posted?! Grabe! Time flies!!!! Too fast! too fast!

Anyway...this will be a quick one.

I really don't know how to be plastic. I just can't do it. If there's someone that I don't like, I can't bring myself to be around them. 

Perhaps I can naman for a few hours but it really causes me stress.

 It's like every molecule in my body moves fast and starts overheating.

Is there anyone is particular that has this same effect on you? How do you deal with it?

Xoxo,

L

Brunch for Less

If we dine out for brunch, we normally would spend around 1,000+. Sometimes I feel bad for paying a hefty price for something I can easily make at home.

So this morning, I prepared brunch.

Nothing fancy. 

I made blueberry pancakes using Maya's pancake mix. The tip on how to make them fluffy is to separate the egg white and egg yolk. Then you beat the egg whites until it stiffens and you fold it into the pancake batter.

The sausage, I got from Earl's Delicatessen. The sandwiches are just Tuna Sandwhiches that I grilled.

Masarap naman lahat!

I had 2 leftover pancakes. One I already packed for my husband's baon tomorrow. The other I gave to the yaya.

I made a konteng echoz in presentation. Leftover na nga e. The least I can do is to make it visually pleasing.

Xoxo,

L

My First Hermès

Actually Herpes yan e. Fake.

Jokes.

My husband gave me an Hermès Evelyn Bag for my 34th birthday. 

It felt quite strange to receive this because we had a tampuhan a couple of days before my birthday. It's worth noting I'm always cranky and depressed everytime I turn a year older.

This is a very generous gift so I'm very grateful. Pero sabi nya, wala na akong gift sa Christmas.

This beautiful bag now rests comfortably inside the cabinet. I don't go anywhere fancy. I only go across the street to do my groceries.

OA naman if naka Hermès ako to buy gulay.

I don't really buy expensive bags. I own a few lang.

BUT! I indulge myself in expensive shoes... which I also never wear. Minsan pag sa bahay, I wear my Ferragamo pumps. Hirap na magasgasan sa labas. Cheap ko talaga!

I don't buy expensive stuff to impress others. I buy them and I look at them. Kung baga for my own satisfaction only. Weird no?

Xoxo,

L

Desired Response

In marketing, when you make an ad it is important that you are clear with your DESIRED RESPONSE from your material. 

After watching your TV commercial, do you want your audience to..

- Buy your product versus competitor

- Buy more of your product (from small pack to big pack)

- Try the new product /variant

- Find a new usage for an existing product

...and many more.

There are many TV commercials, print ads, billboards that does nothing more but bring awareness. That's it. They spent millions for something that will not really lead to action/purchase.

As an individual, I always keep in mind this principle of "Desired Response". 

If I have a problem, I think twice before I share it with others because I always ask myself..."What response do I want to hear from them?" As I result, I usually share some problems with people who I know are credible enough to give me advice or assurances. I don't go around sharing my woes to everyone.

If I plan to comment, I also think twice before I say anything. "Will this comment be well received by the person?" , "Will this comment improve the quality of my life?" Depending on my answer, I will package my words to get my desired response.

In short...I am always calculating when it comes to my words.  I think about my desired response, my target audience and my key point before I say anything.

While this is a very good thing, I occasionally use this insightfulness to hurt.

If my desired response is to break ones spirit or to rip apart ones soul, I always find the perfect words to scar someone for life.

The best thing I do however is to keep silent. With silence and distance, the desired response is almost  too confusing. How can you hate someone who is silent? How can you hate someone who doesn't do anything bad nor good? 

Last night I asked my husband, "Many moons ago, when you told your friend what I told you about her husband what was your desired response from her? How did you want her to react to what I told you in confidence?  Did you want her to get mad at me? If she got mad at me, would who have left me?"

He said, "Honestly, I wasn't thinking. I just blurted it out of anger."

There in lies that problem with most people. When people get too emotional, they say things without thinking of the outcome.

Like when some women complain about their boyfriends or husbands. They make their partners look bad and yet they are unwilling to leave them.

To the person listening to them, they will appear weak. How can you choose to stay with someone who cheats and hurts you?

In short, if you don't plan to take any action except to rant, best to keep quiet because what you say can reflect badly on you.

That being said...I hope the next time you talk, you think twice or thrice about your desired response. Then you choose your audience and then weave your words in such a way that you can get the response you are aiming for.

Remember what you say, helps people form their opinion of you.

Xoxo,

L

Start Them Young

My mom told me a girl who can't do household chores won't make a good wife. That was her view of women...

So she taught me how to do my chores at such a young age.

Here's a picture to prove it...

Xoxo,

L

Yayaless in Iloilo

This Christmas, we are going to Iloilo with the baby. I planned it in such a way that the nanny can take a ferry and celebrate Christmas with her son too. It has been nearly a year since she last saw him.

The tickets are now crazy expensive, 5,500 per head. If I didn't book early, it can cost me as much as 8,000php/pax.

Now, that'll be the first and the longest time that we will be yayaless and someone indirectly expressed her concern that I may not be able to handle the baby on my own.

According to my own mother... "If you know how to make one, surely you should know how to take care of it."

I agree. 

I'm a very hands-on mom. I know how to bathe, feed, carry and take care of my own baby.  Sure, there are somethings I don't know. Like...what is the best way to cure rashes and those things I learn from the yaya. But I do know the basics of child rearing.

There is such a big difference from the previous and this generation of parents. In the past, they real mostly on yayas and baby formulas. Nowadays, breastfeeding is the norm and direct latch feeding is preferred. Yayas also don't stay long so moms are more hands-on in preparation of their abrupt departure.

My mom taught me how to cook, clean, wash and iron clothes, budget expenditures and how to care for a baby even before I got married. Unlike most Fil-Chi girls who grew up sheltered and provided for...I grew up as if I was trained to be a Spartan!

My biggest flaw lies in my emotional maturity and my default reaction to escape from problems. But if we talk about the "basic deliverables" of being a wife and mother, rest assured I know my craft.

Xoxo,

L

Breasts and Breastfeeding

They say it's a myth that breastfeeding will cause your breasts to sag. They say pregnancy and genetics are the culprits and your breasts will sag regardless if you breastfeed or not.

Well, I think this is untrue. I think breastfeeding really had an impact on the shape of my breasts.

Because I'm right handed, I automatically breastfeed on my right. I think when I'm on autopilot mode, I just let my right boob out everytime my baby cries. 

After almost 7 months of absentmindedly feeding on my right, my right boob is noticeably bigger and lower than my left. In Ilonggo we call this "bingkong".  How do you say this in Tagalog?

I can't blame anyone for this. I've been warned. A breastfeeding counselor from La Leche went to the house to teach me how to breastfeed properly. But, I tell you at 3 am, pag hibang ka na, feeding is very instictual. Wala ng right position position.

I still direct feed until now. That's because I'm too lazy to pump.

I don't regret the effect on my breasts. It's one of the things I have to sacrifice for motherhood. 

Xoxo,

L

DIY Lady Bug Costume

Our nanny worked like an elf working through the night to prepare Baby G's Lady Bug Costume. (Reference: The Elves and the Shoemaker)

She only used a roll of electrical tape, scissors, a few scraps of paper, cotton and food coloring.

1. The Red Pajama set is Baby G's existing pantulog. She just used electrical tape to make the dots.

2. The antennae was done using a black head band with rolled up paper wrapped in electrical tape. The tip was cotton dipped in food coloring.

To complete the look, Baby G will we wearing a Beatrix Lady Bag backpack.

See! Our nanny is so talented. I also consider myself lucky to have her.

Xoxo,

L

Friends and Acquaintances

In life, we will meet many people. Many of whom will become our acquaintances. These are people with whom we will have shallow relationships with. These are people who we can only discuss the weather and other superficial current events.

Only a few will become our friends. 

Friends are those who we can share our joys and sorrows with. Friends are those we can run to when we have good news to share and those we can run to when we need to be comforted.

In friendship, it is not the good times that will lay the foundation of the relationship. It is the most unfortunate events that will determine the status and the future of our friendship.

Many people will not know what to say or do to a bleeding heart or a troubled soul. 

I will remember to the grave all those people who stayed and comforted me during the difficult times of my life. I have had plenty of those times.

To those who said the wrong things or did nothing, I think it's best if we keep a little distance between us. 

Like what I said, "mahirap mag move on"

How about you? Do you remember the people who were there for you at your lowest? Make sure you don't forget them during your moments of happiness.

Xoxo,

L

Nips Limited Edition

By now, you already know that I like Nips and it's my trademark Halloween Giveway.

I went to the grocery store to buy Nips for the trick or treat event in our Condo. And I saw these interesting two new variants from Nips.

This is my favorite. Nips Chocomint Delight. I really like anything minty. Even my favorite tea is mint!

The Berries  n' Cream, I got for my husband. I personally don't like fruity and chocolate combinations.

And the best part is...each bag only costs 18 pesos!  

Now, excuse me. I need to go back to my chores.

Xoxo,

L

Mahirap Mag Move On

I've always found it hard to forgive those who have annoyed me.

I've always found it hard to forget the bad things that have been said to me.

In fact, when I pray the "Our Father" medyo hinihinaan ko ang volume ko when I say, " Forgive us for our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us."

Now, I'm finding it hard to forgive myself that I ate at Applebee's. 

Kanina was my first time to eat at Applebee's in BCG.  My husband asked me to join them at Kindermusik...possibly to meet the parents I gave Nips to. Students of Kindermusik get a 20% discount at Applebee's.

Since I noticed that my breastmilk supply becomes surprisingly abundant everytime I eat a burger, I ordered one. It was so expensive but I figured baka naman masarap kasi US chain ang Applebee's.

Bad trip!

Masarap lang tignan!

It was the worst burger I have ever tasted in my life. It was malansa! Even the nanny said so. I would like to think that my tastebuds are more sophisticated than hers. Pero jusko, even the tagabukid found it malansa. She said, "Ma'am kahit mga taga barrio ko indi kauyon sini!"

I asked my husband if malansa. He said...ok naman daw.

Since divided ang opinion, I decided not to complain. 

So, I put a lot of ketchup so that I could had to finish eating my 425php Applebee's burger.

425 PESOS!!!!

After that, I felt really bad about it.

What a waste of money and calories. 

I couldn't move on from my bad burger. After our Kindermusik class, I started ranting about it to anyone who was willing to listen. That went on from 4 pm to 8 pm. 

It's almost 9 in the evening and I'm still reeling about the worst burger of my life.

I do not exaggerate.

Xoxo,

L

The Nanny's Son and his Iron Man Costume

Yesterday the maid excitedly showed me pics of her son wearing the "costume" I gave.

Sharing with you a couple of pics. Medyo maluwag yung tshirt pero pwede na. Notice the hair! Nakakatwa.

Since ang pangit ng resolution ng pics that were sent to her, I took the liberty of editing it para Facebook worthy naman.

She told me na she's hoping her family will go to Gaisano so that he can go trick or treating. Wow! Meron na palang trick or treat kahit sa bukid.

Kamo ready na for your Halloween?

L

How To Be Close

One can't simply say, " We are family, let's be close."

Cordial and civil, yes. But "to be close" is a different matter. It takes effort, chemistry and time to develop a close relationship with someone.

In real life, I draw a clear line to differentiate friends from acquaintances. Friends are those who you can viber at any time of the day and share your joys and woes with. Acquantainces are those you say hello to when you bump into each other in the mall.

One of my close friends is a reader of this journaL. She just started emailing me and we have been friends now for more than a year! 

That being said, how can one develop a close relationship with a person.

1. Ask questions to get to know him or her better. 

    Ex: 

    What's your favorite color? 

     Yes! Parang slam book lang! These useless tidbits will come in handy in time. Trust me.

2. Keep in touch

    Libre na po mangamusta thanks to viber and social media platforms.

    Easy lang naman to message, 

    Ex: 

    Hey! Kamusta?

3. Be thoughtful

   A.  Remember the useless info you gather from #1 

    Ex:

    I saw this pink toilet paper and naalala kita. Hope you like this!

   B. Remember birthdays and other important occasions.

   

   C. Check up on them when they are sick.

4. Listen

    This is the hardest part because there are times that you will not  like what the person will be saying.

    Do not say cliches like, "Don't worry." just to cut the conversation short.  If you really want the   

    person not to worry, find something meaningful and hopeful to say.

5.  Be there during the happy and the tough times.

     It's easy to be physically present when there is a celebration. But people disperse during difficult      

     times. They stay in the sidelines, not knowing what to do or desperately trying to maintain their

     own sanity or happiness.

6. Be patient

    Strong relationships take time to develop. Rome was not built in a day.

Xoxo,

L

    

Silence

""Only open your mouth if what you have to say is more beautiful than silence."

                                                                                                                                     Arabic Proverb

As a new mom, I get a lot of well-meaning comments/suggestions on how I can mother my own child. Most of these unsolicited suggestions , come from those who don't even have kids of their own.

I realize that when you don't have kids yet, you have this idealized standard of how motherhood should be and you judge people based on your stock knowledge or views.

Honestly, naiinis lang ako with these "suggestions". 

They range from how I should carry my baby down to what time and how I should play with her.

As far as I'm concerned, if you didn't push one out, best to keep quiet. 

But if the suggestions come from other mommies, I really value it. The more babies you pop out of your vajayjay, the more credible you are.

L

Cheapangga Halloween Loot Bag

My husband asked me to buy the treats that they would be giving away in Kindermusik. He told me to prepare 15-20 bags.

 Before I left, he said, "Wag masyadong mura ha."

Pero naisip ko, babies don't eat candies naman. 

Baka it would just be their siblings or their yayas who would eat the sweets. My nanny also told me that dati her amo would just buy cheap candies lang.

And so I went to Rustans with a mission to spend only 500 pesos for 15-20 small loot bags. 

Para naman hindi masyado get cheap, I bought 3 bags of Kit Kat. Tapos, I got Jelly Ace, Marshmallow and Nips. NIPS! 

Ay jusko, when they got there andun pala si Marian Rivera at si Baby Zia.

And Ang sosyal ng mga giveaway ng Ibang mommies.

Look! One mommy gave a book. One gave a toy.  Quite a few gave organic stuff. Several gave expensive candies. Then there's me...I gave away Nips and Jellyace. And dahil may sobrang XO candies sa bahay, dinagdag ko pa un.

Di pa ako na contento. I put a sticker pa.. "Love Baby G".  

For sure hindi talaga nila makakalimutan na...na cheap si Baby G. 

Bwahaha. Afterall, you will only remember the best and the worst in anything and everything.

I think the other mommies spend 150-200php per bag. 

Jusko! 187php ang isang kilo ng manok noh! 

Our nanny told me medyo nahiya raw asawa ko to give the loot bags I prepared. Hehehe.

Ay keber! I'm sure masaya ang mga yaya kasi sa kanila mapupunta yun!

Since Wednesday is my day off and the baby's time with my in-laws, I wasn't there to experience their humiliation. Pero pag-uwi nila and nilatag nila lahat ng goodies na nakuha from other mommies, ay sus na guilty ako sa ka-cheapan ko.

Bawi ako next time. Mamimigay ako ng isang kilong manok!

L

Tipid Tips: Halloween Costume

I went around to look for a costume for the baby. She has a Halloween party in Kindermusik. Everything costume I saw costs 700-up.  I just couldn't bring myself to spend on something she will wear only once. Buti sana if good quality ang tela ng costume pero hindi e! Wear once and throw away talaga and hitsura.

So, I went to Toy Kingdom and bought a princess hairpiece for 150 php and a pink dress in SM. Nice naman di ba? Atleast she can still wear the dress after Halloween.

I also got the nanny's son something to wear for his first Halloween.  Mura lang naman. 150 for this Iron Man Mask and 200 for the Iron Man T-shirt.  

The nanny was so happy.  

Naisip ko, imagine mo nalang ano feeling mo na mag asikaso ng costume ng ibang bata samantalang walang  costume ang anak mo.

I mailed the costume plus some treats. The parcel should arrive in Negros next week. And since walang trick or treat dun...bongga ang anak nya...naka Iron Man Sa cementerio.

Oh sya. Baboosh!

L

Our Baby Nursery

On my baby's 6th month,  she finally has a nice room all for her.

The crib and the changing table came from the house of our in-laws. They were delivered there because we initially intended to stay with them for 6 months. When left on our 2nd month, much earlier than planned, we left without our baby furnitures.

See that gray sofa, that's the nanny's bed. We got that from SM for 4,500 pesos. Mahal din pala. Maganda kasi foam. I want the yaya to sleep well.

For nearly 4 months, Baby G slept beside her in our guest bedroom because our bed is on the center of our room and we were worried that the baby will roll off. Aside from that practical reason, my husband also couldn't sleep if she's around.  Sinasabunutan nya daddy nya. 

Now that she's crawling and attempting to jump off the bed, the crib really gives us a peace of mind especially when we are all in the kitchen or living room doing our chores.

She's still not used to sleeping inside her crib though. At night "sisilip" and "tatawa" sa nanny nya.  Eventually she'll get used to it.

How have you all been! Drop me an email to say hi! I've missed you all!

L

Bawal Losyang: WHERE TO BUY SOSSY PAMBAHAY

Last weekend, my parents flew in from Iloilo to check up on me and the baby.

My dad noticed that my style has significantly deteriorated. I haven't been combing my hair because of my hair loss and my pambahay clothes are really drabby.

Weight wise I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight or maybe just 3 lbs above it.

He said, I should dress better. I told him what's the point if I have nowhere to go. He said I should look good for my husband. Honestly, if that's the only reason...I don't want to even bother. (NOTE: I should write about the aftermath of my marriage after childbirth and living with in-laws)

Then he said, if being a mommy is my new job then I should treat it with the same passion and professionalism as I did with my previous work.

So, I went to shop for PAMBAHAY and spent over 5,000 for my new lounge wear wardrobe.

Ang English pala ng pambahay ay lounge wear.

If you want sossy pambahay buy in UNIQLO, MARKS AND SPENCERS. Hindi maganda tela sa SM and mahal din ha! 

I also bought DRESS SHIRTS by COLLEZIONE. I wear inside the house, when I go across the street to do my grocery in RUSTANS or even when I go to The Peninsula Manila for coffee. May promo last week. 40 lang Ice Coffee kaya na afford ko. Versatile ang lounge wear na to. 799 pesos each. I got 3 pcs. Wash and wear lang. Yun lang nga, hassle mag breastfeed.

Ikaw, what do you wear sa bahay?

Xoxo,

L

 

Letter: On Being Gay in a Filipino-Chinese Family

Dear L,

As early as 15 years old, I knew I am a lesbian. But, I kept quiet then about it because I come from a very traditional Filipino-Chinese family.

We are so traditional that my father threatened to disown my brother when he dated a Filipina. 

He said, you will not receive a single cent from me if you choose that woman.  I saw my mother crying as she was begging him to end their relationship.

Given the chaos and emotional stress my brother, their only son, gave them, I didn't want to add to their burden during that time. 

My brother and his girlfriend fought for their relationship for 5 years while I patiently stayed in the closet.

 

Perhaps, he got tired or maybe he just became practical but my brother ended his relationship with his Filipina girlfriend and married another Fil-Chi, less than a year after the break-up. It was all so fast and I don't know how they managed to organize such a big wedding with around 1000 guests.  

My parents were beaming with pride.

A year after the wedding, my brother and his wife had a beautiful baby boy. 

Everyone was happy.

 I figured, it was the perfect time to come out and tell my family that I'm gay. 

I have already graduated and I was doing well in my first job.

I was wrong.

My mom cried. My dad was stunned and walked out of the room.

The following week, my sister-in-law and my mom asked me out for coffee. When we arrived at the coffee shop, I was surprised that there was a boy waiting for me. He was around 26 years old. 

So...apparently that coffee date was my first kaishao.

That night when we came home, mama kept asking me if I liked my date. I said, "Ma, I'm lesbian." She told me that it's just a phase and if I meet the right guy, I will change.

I didn't argue.

They attempted to introduce me to more boys. I always found an excuse not to go. 

After a year of trying, my mom spoke to me. She told me that I need to get married because I need someone to take care and provide for me. Our business will only go to my brother. I told mama that it's okay, I have a job.  She started crying again so that conversation went nowhere.

Back then I was really resentful because I felt  they just wanted to save face. I wasn't too convinced that they were  genuinely and selflessly concerned about my future.

I dated in secret, mostly I found my dates online because no one in my "Real" world wanted to acknowledge that I am gay.  

At every birthday and wedding, my relatives asked me "O Meron na ba?". I politely turned down every offer to introduce me to some Fil-Chi boy. Pero may nakakalusot. I'd get invited for dinner and when I get there, trick pala un

Eventually I found someone at work. We just got developed. I can't explain how it happened. 

My girlfriend only dated guys before me. I don't know but something just clicked  between us. Perhaps, it was the all the late nights we spent working in the office.

After a year of dating, I tried to introduce her to my parents but they refuse to even let me finish my invitation.

I talked to my mom and told her na pagod na ako. I can't change. This is me. 

Mama cried and said,  "You know our only wish is that when we are gone, you will have a family of your own. That you will not be alone when you are old."

I tried to convince her that I won't be alone and adoption is always an options but she couldn't process it.

I saw the sadness and pain in her eyes. I felt guilty. 

But this is me...I can't change myself. 

So now, I decided to just keep this part of my life private. I'm still in a relationship with my girlfriend. Her parents are also in denial. It's such one big mess. 

I'm not sure how this will end. But, I'm really sure that I can't be straight just to make my parents happy. I really can't 

Y

Note: Thanks Y for your letter. Thank you to all those who sent their letters too.

Fantasy

I've been watching reruns of Gossip Girl for  the last 5 days.

I told myself that on my 35th birthday (or 40th) I wish to fly business class to New York and stay in a 5 star hotel, preferably within the upper east side. 

I want to feel rich, posh and glamorous.

Then it occurred to me that before I quit my job and got married, that was how I travelled for work. I always flew business class via Singapore Airlines and I always stayed in nice hotels.

I felt a pang of sadness at how my life changed so significantly.

Nowadays I mostly wear pambahay and I spend my past time doing my laundry. 

My husband got me an Hermes bag for my birthday. I am truly grateful.  Then, I realized I don't have anywhere to go.

So the bag now slumbers like Sleeping Beauty in my cabinet. 

Perhaps, I'll wake her up and bring her with me when I go to New York, some time in the near future.

How about you, any fantasies?

Xoxo,

L

Cybersex

My husband and I had video chat.

I showed him my boobs.

One had an electric pump and the other had the Haakaa silicone pump.

The boobs are no longer for foreplay. 

Xoxo, 

L

LOA

I'm sorry for my Leave of Absence. 

Apart from the fact that I've been very busy with the baby, my in-laws have discovered this blog/journal. 

They talked to my husband about it. I don't know why they made a fuss about some of the things I wrote, after all they were true and my husband read all of those entries. He usually reads my posts for proofreading  before I press "publish."

 After that "talk" they had with him, I lost interest in writing because I don't want to filter my thoughts. I'm already very far from my friends. I only express my thoughts and feelings in this blog. If I can't write freely ...then what's the point. I also deleted (but saved) some of the posts that they found hurtful. I don't want to deal with issues. I have no energy and time for it.

Actually, if they want to know what I think, they can just ask me. I don't understand the need to go through my posts and make assumptions. 

So much for being incognito...

Xoxo,

L

BRB

Time flies so fast! My baby girl is now 4 months and a half! 

I haven't be opening my mails! 

Look 106 unopened letters!

I'll choose one letter from the topic on being Gay in a Filipino-Chinese Family and will post soon!

In the mean time, I hope you are all well!

L

Being Gay in a Filipino-Chinese Family

A couple of years ago, I bumped into a good friend when I was in our HR building. We worked together in Singapore for quite sometime. 

He said, "Friend! Nako wish me luck! I'm finally coming out to mama and papa."

That came quite as a surprise to me because he was almost 34 years old at that time and he has been living with his partner in Singapore for close to 3 years na! Infact, I was even planning to rent a room in their HDB flat.

Didn't his parents notice that he is gay? As in no clue ever?

My gut tells me that his parents knew all along but they were just in denial and they refuse to acknowledge it.

There are those who are brave enough naman to come out to their parents early. Some 20s palang. 

The initial reaction of most moms is to cry.  Dads usually keep mum.

The next is to ask, "Are you sure? Maybe it's just a phase." 

Then parents go through denial by asking their gays sons or daughters to "meet" someone over for coffee...

In short, Kai-shao. Hehe...

I wonder if parents genuinely understand that being gay is not a matter of choice. A lesbian will not turn straight if she meets a handsome and caring man.

But, I do know of  a lesbian Fil-Chi girl who got married to make her parents happy.  Now, she is processing her annulment. Hassle! Annulments can take years! Kawawa naman asawa nya.

If it's hard for a Filipino-Chinese to be in a relationship with a Filipino...imagine how hard it is for gays to come out to their Fil-Chi family and relatives.

More often than not, even if you do come out to your parents, the family will keep quiet about it. Chances are you wont really get to discuss your relationship very openly with your parents. 

I wonder if parents feel that if they don't talk about it...it will just go away.

My message to parents: IT WONT GO AWAY. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING GAY.

Thankfully there are families who are minded and who accept their children for who they are and welcome their partners into the family. 

My friend is one of the lucky few. His parents didn't go hysterical. Perhaps, they were just waiting for him to come out.  

Fast forward to today. He just posted in Instagram a picture of him and his  partner having breakfast with his mom.

Anymore FIL-CHI LGBT stories out there?

L

Baptism of G

I was actually planning to have the baby baptized in Iloilo but our yaya told me that the baby can't travel across waters if she has not been blessed.

So, we organized a baptism with only 25 guests. We just invited our immediate family and a few friends to share the day with us.

It was a simple yet very special day.

I couldn't help but cry when I shared why the second name of our daughter is Samuelle. I read Samuel chapter 1 to our guests. It's the story of Hannah and how sad she was when she couldn't conceive. 

I really wanted to take that opportunity to talk about the Lord even if sometimes He makes life difficult. I would like to believe that He is still a kind and merciful God and I hold on to that hope everyday, now that I am a mother. 

My husband said, "Today, is the day we offer our daughter to the Lord. From this day onwards, she belongs to Him and we humbly ask for His protection."

We were filled with emotions and had to cut our speech short because I didn't want to bawl. Sayang ang make-up! Hehehe.

Here are few pictures from Baby G's Baptism.

The buffet table by Bizu.

The dessert table by Bizu.

The super gorgeous cake by Annlee's Kitchen.  Calligraphy topper by Cher Cabula.

Our venue and tables by Bizu. 

It was a simple event but I loved the small details like the pink napkins, the pink wine, the Macarons and even the pink juice!

Obvious ba that loyal ako sa Bizu? They catered our wedding and my baby shower too.

L

Starbucks Tipid Tips

Nowadays when I go to Starbux with my husband and the yaya, I order a Venti and split it among the 3 of us.

This is cheaper than ordering short for 3 people.

Everybody happy!

L

Yaya with Baby

A couple of nights ago, I saw the yaya watching a video of her 11 month old son on the iPhone we lent her.  She was watching him while she was making baptismal candles for my daughter.

I felt really sad.

Here is a mom who also has a baby but she is here with us to take care of ours.

Last week the parcels of clothes my husband ordered from the US arrived one by one. He got G a total of 20 dresses from Baby Gap and Carters

So, when we went to Mothercare. I got the yaya a new pair of shoes for her son.

Since next week happens to be her son's birthday, I asked my husband if we can give him clothes too. He got him 2 crisp polo. The yaya was very happy.

My husband said I talk to the yaya and the maids  more than I talk to some of our relatives. 

I said, as a mom, I really emphatize. Aside from that, I have lived away from home for 14 years later. I know how it feels to not have your family around.

I know it's hard to be away from home especially if you have a baby. 

The least I can do is to make life easier. 

When we eat dinner, we eat together. When I order Starbux, I order a Venti and share it with her. 

Perhaps, I am not used to having a maid but I feel guilty enjoying stuff when the person beside me isn't. 

I'm pretty sure if she decides to leave someday, I'll truly feel bad. I hope we can get a big house so that her son can live with us too. 

Truth be told, when 2 of the maids of my in-laws left, I felt quite sad. 

When I was growing up, our maid's 2 kids lived with us. We all lived together, ate in the same table, celebrated holidays from the time we were 8 until they graduated college.

But that's not a normal set-up here in Manila, I think...

L

How are you?

Have you ever noticed that there are some people in your life that when they text you, "How are you?", you immediately think..."May kailangan kaya to?".

I believe that when your friends and family habitually checks up on and ask about how you are, they somehow care about you.

Perhaps that's naive of me to think of it that way.

But when you come to think of it...that simple question requires a big investment in terms of time and emotion.

The receiver can simply say, "I'm okay" or she can go into a litany of things that trouble her.  Are you prepared to listen?

Somehow, I feel there are ever so few people in our lives who are actually prepared to listen. 

Listening is really hard especially if the topic is not to your liking. Which is why I created this journal, so that I can vent.

It's sad that I have to censor myself  nowadays. This is the only space I can freely express myself.

L

It's Hunting Season

Headhunter are calling me again. I think July is a hiring month.

Perhaps people received bad mid year reviews and are already planning to quit before getting sacked by the end of the year,

I'm seriously considering getting back into the grind.

Every time my husband gets mad at me, he reminds me that this his house and that he pays the bills. Occasionally, he tells me to leave. 

Now that we are back in Makati, I just smile when he kicks me out of the house because my condo is just 15 mins away. But when we were in New Manila, I felt so helpless kapag pinapalayas nya ako.

Ofcourse, I never actually leave, I exclusively breastfeed so how will he feed the baby if my breast are 3 blocks away.

Oh the sh*t people when they are mad.

L

Change in Spending

Yesterday, I was looking for a dress that I'll be wearing for the baptism. My husband chose a white Anne Klein dress and it was around 7,000 php.

I could not bring myself to buy it...even if it's his  money. 

It's just too much for a dress! If I find a 3,000 pesos bouncer expensive, how can I buy a 7,000 pesos for a dress that I'll probably won't wear again. It's white...how often will I wear white?

And so, I went to Karimadon in Glorietta and bought a 1,500 pesos knee-length dress instead. 

With an extra money to spare, I went to Rustans and bought this support chair for 3,400 pesos for my baby.  

I wonder if I will still buy Louboutins now that I'm aware that a pair is equivalent to a downpayment for preschool tuition...

Parenthood changed me big time.

How did parenthood change you?

L

 

100 Days

To celebrate my baby's 100th day, I just made a simple dinner for me, my husband and the yaya.

It was so simple...I didn't even buy a cake. Instead, I just stacked leftover cupcakes and stuck a lollipop on top. Clever di ba!

I prepared 2 red eggs as it is customary. Red eggs are for good luck and for new beginnings.

Then, I offered a prayer of thanks for the 100 days filled with happiness, love, tears, fears. You name it, I felt it.

As I was thanking God, my baby decided to poop. I was holding her and I felt her poop come out. She pooped so much, some of it spilled on my hands.

Hay Nako.

You know, I learned that I should celebrate her every chance I get.

 I usually worry about the future so much and with motherhood, this mindset got even worse. But my baby encourages me to take a chill pill and just enjoy the present. When I worry, she smiles or do crazy stuff like crapping on my hands.

She's so funny. She makes me feel better.

Grateful,

L

Writer's Block

I'm so sorry I haven't been writing in ages. 

My motherhood is baptism by fire. 

I am unprepared for the emotions and the challenges that came with it.

Currently, I have bouts of post partum depression, which is either caused or compounded by OCD. I won't get into that.

I worry about my baby endlessly but when she smiles...I forget my worries. 

My husband also told me that some of his family read my blog and got hurt. Truth be told, I don't know why they would read it when told me not to google stuff and worry myself silly. 

So, I decided to stop writing for a while just to avoid trouble.

If you miss me, you can always message me and I will try my best to reply.

For now, I realize that the future is so uncertain and I really have to enjoy each day with my baby. The greatest lesson, motherhood has taught me is to just be thankful for each day that my child is healthy and happy. I should stop worrying about things. So for now, avoid the news and avoid anything that will cause paranoia.

Hanging on to my sanity,

L