Tuesday, 30 September 2014

FILIPINO-CHINESE RELATIONSHIPS: POSSIBLE?

The topic of race is sensitive. 

Even until now, a number of Fil-Chi (Filipino with Chinese Ancestry/ Tsinoys/Chinoy)  parents still frown upon the idea of their children being relationships with Filipinos.

A "merienda" with an old friend reminded me of the prevalence of this discrimination.

It started when I asked him if will be getting an invitation for his engagement/ TINGHUN any time soon. He paused for a while,then he said..."Malabo pa.."

My heart sank. It has been 10 years and no one has come close to his ex-girlfriend, a pure Filipina.

When I met this friend, he then just recently broke up with his Filipina girlfriend of 7 years. In that 7 years, he never introduced her to his mom and the rest of his extended family. 

He ended it when he was called upon to take over the family business. He is the eldest and the only boy, just like my S.

He left his corporate work. He left his Filipina girlfriend. And He finally agreed to be "KAI- SHAO-ed". READ ABOUT KAISHAO He did everything he needed to do to be a a good son. 

I asked him if his mom likes this Chinese girl he is with now. His response baffled me, he said, "That's the problem...they all love her".

And they loved the other Chinese girl that came before this one too. I can't help but feel that he goes and stays into THESE relationships to make his mom happy.

Our very long merienda made me realize something...

Fil-chi boys who choose not to fight for their Filipina girlfriends are not weak. They are not spineless. They are not dependent on their families' wealth. They are simply trying to be Good Sons. 

The closer they are to their parents...the kinder their parents are...the stronger is this internal struggle.

When I probed further, he told me his mom worked so hard to provide for them. I sensed that this appreciation is the very reason why he is looking for a girl that his mom will like.  Her happiness comes before his. How selfless and yet how sad.

I asked my mom why Chinese parents prefer Chinese partners for their kids. She said, "The culture is so different. In a Chinese family, the parents are the head of the business. Hence, they are incharge of the funds.  In a Filipino family,  the kids provide for their parents the moment they start working. They also provide support to other relatives who may be in need."

 In short, she is concerned that the Filipino partner will get money from the business pot to provide for his/her family. This is a very pragmatic response. I expected this from mama.

I asked my dad and he said that the concept of Saving Face is one of the reasons why parents prefer their kids to have Chinese partners. A bit vague but then papa speaks like yoda. READ ABOUT MY 
DAD.

I asked my other friends, they said it's just a matter of preference. They are just physically attracted to fellow Fil-Chis.

I asked S if he was ever in this position.  He said, he liked a Filipina girl in college and he even sent her flowers. But, he stopped. He didn't want to create unnecessary chaos.

Funny thing though...my relatives and friends  in Hong Kong and Singapore don't  really understand this preference. To them, we are all Filipinos. 

 I deduce that in countries where Chinese people constitute a majority, inter-racial marriage is not an issue at all.

If you ask me, I will base my answer based on sociology...

At its core, a minority group tends to be more exclusive in an effort to preserve its culture and the purity of blood lines.The desire to belong and the sense of pride are also strong driving forces for this norm.  

Unfortunately, belongingness and pride are very primal emotional  needs. They are not easy to shake off.

I mentioned before that I am TSUTSIYA or mixed.  I'm lucky that my parents are not strict but my mom was very vocal regarding her preference.  I was allowed to date anyone and I was in a very serious relationship with a good and smart Filipino boy.  Marrying a Fil-Chi was something that just happened. 


My brother is with a pure and beautiful Filipina. We love her to bits. She knows that the way to our heart is through NAPOLEONES. Haha. And because she is from Bacolod, she is naturally malambing.

I have many friends in our Chinese family association who married Filipinas and I can assure you that they all seem happy.

I don't think marrying a fellow Fil-Chi can assure parents of a happy marriage. I know of one wife, who after a grand tinghun and grand wedding, went back with a black eye to her parents' house . 

In the same respect,  I also know of a Filipino husband,who cheated on his Filipina wife.

I don't believe that a Fil-Chi marrying another Fil-Chi or any race for that matter guarantees marital bliss and prosperity.

I've met way too many pure and mixed couple to know that what  matters the most are the following:

1. God is at the core of the relationship
2. There is love between the couple
3. Both Families have given the couple their blessing

These 3 are the foundation to a strong marriage, not money, not social class, not race.

I told my friend that if he is not sure with his girlfriend now, he should not waste her time. She is
already 32. He said, "She knows my uncertainty and ofcourse, she's not happy with it."

I could sense his inner struggle. I know him and I somehow feel she is not the one. They're just too different.

Unfortunately and FORTUNATELY  his Filipina ex is already happily married. Perhaps, love is not eternal as what sappy novels make us believe. 

To those who are struggling in their FILIPINO-CHINESE/ Tsinoy-Pinoy relationships, please don't think your partners are weak. It is a very tough decision to make. They are choosing between their own happiness versus their family.  You are their happiness.

To those who are making their partners wait, understand that there are many things we can buy in this world....time is not one of them.

READ: When To Give Up!

I wish you all LUCK.







Still On Pause,


Send your own love/tragedy stories: meonpause@gmail.com

54 comments:

  1. love it!! i was just discussing this with a friend, so what a timely post. will share this with her. :)

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  2. I am Filipina also. For years I stood by waiting for my dream buy who happened to be Chinese. For 7 years he dated different CHinese girls and finally married 1 who he was madly in love with.

    Within a year he decided to turn me into his mistress, and I allowed him as I thought it would amount to something but it never did. He went on to have other affairs with other Filipinas, all without his wife knowing.

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    1. I appreciate you sharing your story. I am praying for your peace and happiness :)

      Looking forward to hearing more stories...happy ending or tragedy...doesn't matter.

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    2. Hi L

      I was told that my dream CHinese guy was beating up his wife all through out since he married her. I once thought follow happiness, love will prevail but I realize this guy does not love anyone but himself.

      He used to gush about his wife all the time when we were only friends, that she was his love of his life. How good that she is CHinese.
      But within the year as I said, he kept telling me he was not happy. She was nice but not as fun as Filipina girls. I ignored his prejudice and was happy that wow he saw my qualities.

      But I realized upon finding out that his wife is indeed a good and kind lady. As Chinese, she has sense of duty and I think she loves him also. Why else would anyone stay on in such a bad relationship.

      I pity her that she does not know or chooses to magtiis...but I pity myself more for contributing to the demise of a married life. My parents are both still together and loving of each other.

      I do not know what they will say when they find out I was once a mistress. I wasted my time on this CHinese guy, when I could have been searching for a good decent Filipino boy.

      If all CHinese are like this guy, then go for Filipinos nalang. True love is an anomaly. There may be true love but there is also love that grows out of respect and kindness.

      I do not know how to apologize to his wife for my role. I pity her as there are other women pa he is involved with.

      I would not want to be trapped in a marriage like that.

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  3. Hay, I hate using my ipad. I keep hitting the wrong keys. Grrr. Here's a comment, in accidentally deleted

    I'm a Chinese woman who married a Filipino, whose own sister married a pure Chinese. None of us had any problems with our respective families, and my family adores my husband, although they had misgivings at first. That said, with regard to "not being weak or spineless," all I'll say is this: If you know you won't be able to fight for your non-Chinese partner and stand up for him/her to your family, at least have the decency not to pursue her (for the guys) or have a relationship with him (for the girls) in the first place, rather than make them fall in love with you then dump them later on. It's unfair when they've done nothing wrong in the first place but must be subjected to archaic notions of ethnic stereotypes, none of which are any of their doing. I was ready to elope with my then boyfriend had my family opposed it.

    Unless you have that sort of backbone, don't even start a relationship with a non-Chinese in the first place, then cop out later by claiming your loyalty to your family trumps his or her feelings. It's unfair to the other party.

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  4. Hey L!

    Kuddos to you on bringing the issue up. I'm in the same situation but I'm the Filipino in the relationship. If you think Fil-Chi boys are having a hard time, think of the situation where the girls are at. I've been together with a Chinese girl for almost 5 years. I don't know where this is going to end up but I hope with a happy ending. I tried to let her explain every excuse her parents had not to date me but the bottom line was a total blur. As a guy, it really hurts that your girlfriend's family knows you exist but refuses to meet you. If only we were given just a chance to prove our worth. One genuine chance without prejudice.

    I really agree with everything that you wrote here. I really support the people battling this situation. I just hope that in the long run, the parents will realize that the happiness of their children is what matters most. I know that they've worked hard for the success of their businesses, but won't giving your children utter happiness (with proper logic of course) be priceless? For our generation, you of all people know the struggles we have right now. I pray that you'd have a different view when you are parents yourselves.

    -TA

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  5. I understand it is very hard. My good friend, also a guy, also went through this. I will pray for you, TA.

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  6. i love your article. This is indeed true.#3. blessing of the parents.it will be hell if you cant have it bec you need to strive very hard and it will end up not pleasing to them.
    There are bad Filipinos and also bad Chinese.Choosing a lofetime partner is indeed very hard esp adjustment. so if u can marry a person same to your culture, you wil have a minimal adjustment.:-)
    Love fades, and its a reality.

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  7. "They are simply trying to be Good Sons." - I don't agree to this point.

    I believe it is just a lame excuse of being insecure. Most fil-Chinese men grew up in comfort and abundance under their parents coat. These make it hard for them to venture out in a new business or relationship. For instance, some of my classmates in university are now working in their families businesses because it is easier for them to make a living. Consequently, they are suffering a constant interference of their personal decisions by their parents. They are their parents "bitches" till they exist.

    Back to the don't date a pure Filipino issue, it is very difficult to understand that, in this day and age and the level of education, most Chinoy are still falling to their parents racial discriminatory attitude. I believe that this is the time to start to make the frowning of one's ethnicity a thing in the past.

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    1. Thank you for your pov. I agree that race should not matter and should not even be an issue.

      While there is a possibility that a few are as you described them to be, rest assured that majority are not. In fact the one I wrote about is very successful in his own right. And I know many who work for the family business because they genuinely want to continue the hard work of their parents.

      While I too, feel sad for the situation of my friend. I can only respect his decision. It's really hard to judge him because I am not in his shoes.

      For me.. As long as

      1. God is at the core of the relationship
      2. There is love between the couple
      3. Both Families have given the couple their blessing

      ...The relationship, regardless of roots, socio economic standing or kung ano pa pa yan...will somewhat be easier. That's what I think

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  8. Your article brought a lot of painful memories. Yes, as a pure Filipina and Bisaya pa gyud, I was also dumped by my Chinese boyfriend in favor of what the his family liked ( a Chinese girl from another town). I was really hearbroken ;we were sweethearts since high school and I did believe that he loved me. My family was with me in my sorrows and pain and during his wedding day, my family urged me to go to america for a holiday. And I think it really helped. I did not go home to our hometown for 20 years ; kept on travelling (work related) rose to executive role in the company and eventually time healed all the wounds. I think that being smart and coming from a decent Filipino family is not enough for any Chinese family. No Filipina is good enough for their Chinese son.I know that he was not happy in his marriage but that is his cross to bear. His love for me was not that strong for him to start a new life with me. Yes, he chose his family over me but in the end his family couldn't give the happiness that true love brings. I feel sorry for him especially when my siblings tell me that he kept on asking about me and my life. We met once when I went home for a vacation but I realized that the feeling is not there anymore. I have moved on and he has not. I feel sorry for his wife because until now she believes that I am still his greatest love. And if my daughter will fall in love with a Chinese boy, I will tell her to be sure if his love is strong enough to marry her.
    Thank you very much for your article.

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  9. Funny how Chinese discriminate us Filipinos in our own land where the Chinese got their reaches from. Looking down on Filipinos as if we are worthless people. I understand how Chinese parents care about their child but if they really care, then why not take some time to get to know the person before passing judgment? If they are too good for us Filipinos then i guess they better go back to China where they really belong. Yes! I'm grumbling based on experience.

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  10. Thank you for your article. I am a Chinese. I knew my husband had "fun" non-serious relationships with Filipinas (good people but many bad choices in terms of morals) and serious relationships with Chinese girls (mostly decent but some loko loko on the side as well). It is not true that Filipinas are non-desirable as my family has never said anything about my countless Filipina friends. Some of which married CHinese guys, friends of ours and are super happy in their family lives.

    CHinese families should be civil and give a chance to Filipino families also as a lot are decent and God fearingg as well as very CHinese in their family ties. Good family backgrounds are not limited to Chinese or Filipinos only. As a lot of CHinese families keep skeletons in the closet all because of honor.

    Well he married me and shouted to the world that he was so in love with me, it seemed so also with public declarations.

    Well within the first few years, he would physically hit me. I am open to judgement from readers but I am a good quiet person. I try to be obedient and I am decent too.

    Found out he was cheating on me with some old girlfriends of his, both Chinese and Filipino alike. That goes to show that bottom line, many people take the wrong path in pursuit of happiness and to fill up the emptiness inside.

    I guess this shows that regardless of ethnicity, there is no excuse for cowards who give many excuses for bad pag-uugali.

    As long as there is decency, family values, personal values (real not for public consumption only), there is nothing stopping Fil-Chi relationships to work out.

    Being "makatao" has everything to do with courage to do what is right, defend the one you love with tyaga and kind words (do not turn it into a fight with parents to avoid baggage) and gratitude of your standing in life.

    I am sure even Filipino families do not like their children to be involved with CHinese families as the feeling is mutual that there may be tension and "looking down" concepts on both sides. It goes both ways.

    After all ,, all parents are proud of their children and will not allow anyone to look down on them when it comes to relationships and probable marrying into another family.



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  11. I know exactly where you're coming from. I am pure Chinese who grew up here and my husband is pure Filipino and comes from a poor family. That being said, i see my parents favoring the chinese in-laws in the family but over time I have come to terms with the reality that it may not be personal but more of "cultural". One day my mother said to me that my husband is her best in-law because she can see the determination to be better as compared to my other in-laws and that she was now "ok" that I married my husband. I don't know what that means because I can still see the partiality until now. I have nothing against the Chinese men but I know that when made to choose between their family or their own happiness, they would always choose the former over the latter because they don't want to be away from their comfort zone. I hope my daughters will never have to go through what a lot of half-chinese girls go through, discriminated upon for not being pure chinese.

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    1. I'm tsutsiya too. Medyo not so much issues na now. Dati I experienced pa.

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  12. I think this phenomenon of having very traditional Chinese parents wanting their sons and daughters to marry Chinese counterparts is dwindling in this modern age. More and more kids are getting modern education and being exposed to new ideas. The traditional mindset is fading away, especially as the older generation (amah, ankongs) passes away. It will not be long until everyone is open to marry anyone they choose to. On the point about "they just want to be good sons", I also disagree and agree at the same time. If you were born into a wealthy Chinese family, chances are, you have successful grandparents or parents that are somewhat in control of your whole family. Meaning, you grew up being well provided for and your elders basically take pride in their "I know what's best for you" mindset. I just want to say that I am not stating these ideas in absolute terms, just trying to be balance with both sides of the coin. With that said, your whole life will be more or less influenced and controlled by your dear elders (unless you're a black sheep and you don't give a fuck. Hell yeah!) They always have a say in which college course you should take, what job you should have...which in this case is the family business., which girlfriend you can bring home to mama, how many offsprings you should produce, etc. Not that there is no wisdom in following their instructions, I mean they might have also started from nothing and grew up following their parent's advice and look at where they are now? It is good to honor your elders this way. So if you grew up in this kind of setting, then by all means, follow this setting. But know that you have to abide by your elders rules your whole life (Unless they are cool with anything, you are one lucky bastard). Knowing the rules, then STOP doing things to the contrary. You know they will not accept any girl or boy that is not Chinese, then do not get into a relationship with someone who is not. Unless you plan to become a black sheep and defy your elders, don't be an ass and ruin someone else's life if you cannot follow through and show your big balls. If you want to be a good son, then be a good son. If you want to a different path, then be a man and take that path. Be responsible for the decisions you make and stick with it. Now, if you were born into an average family, chances are you had less opportunities growing up. You had to strive more and there were no few struggles in your life. But you know the value of hard work and you took diligence in many things to become successful. Your elders are good people with good values but they just weren't that lucky compared to others. But they love and support you all the way. Speaking about this type of setting, I feel that you are more in control of your life decisions. Sure, your elders are always there giving you advises but they allow you to make your own decision. Although they do not always agree with you, but this setting makes them more of the passive type. In this setting, you can also choose to be a "good son" or not. It is up to you really. At the end of the day, it is whatever makes you happy. If seeing your elders happy makes you happy, then go for it. If you want your own happiness, then go for it. As with any human relationship, we should first have a relationship with God.

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    1. ''So if you grew up in this kind of setting, then by all means, follow this setting. But know that you have to abide by your elders rules your whole life (Unless they are cool with anything, you are one lucky bastard). Knowing the rules, then STOP doing things to the contrary. You know they will not accept any girl or boy that is not Chinese, then do not get into a relationship with someone who is not. ''

      -pero minsan kahit gawin mo yan, hindi mo macocontrol yung dumarating sa buhay mo.. minsan nakakain mo yung sinsabi mo... kaya mahirap mag salita ng TAPOS

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    2. i really agree with your ideas

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  13. no need for rules if the filipina is rich hehe

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  14. hey L thanks for this post...

    my sister is currently in a relationship with a filipino guy... she kept it from us for over 5 years until we only realized it later on after she refused to being kai shao with other people...

    My parents were hurt and are still hurting because being their eldest responsible and most intelligent daughter they didnt expect her to do such a thing... it definitely puts things on hold cause either parties refuse to talk to each other... being an independent and strong willed individual... she was advised and told not to entertain filipino suitors yet defied them anyway... she consciously knew and kept it behind our backs... their trust for her was shattered...

    its not that the parents are selfish... i think its that they think about the future of their children where the cultures clash and values perceived by both backgrounds are different... it is not being racist but a way to avoid any conflict... parents only want to protect their children as their children would and should protect and think about their parents..

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    1. While it is true that Parents are naturally concerned about their children's welfare the first and foremost thing on any person's mind is being considerate to the happiness and feelings of each individual. I believe that kind of love to be more giving and will give true peace to the family. If your sister felt that your parents were fair and would be open to her thoughts and opinions there would be no need to hide anything. It's either she has fear of not being accepted or she doesn't know how to approach you and your parents. It's best that you try to understand the why's rather than further alienate your sister. There is always an underlying reason why a person would not be forthright and that is usually because they are not comfortable sharing with people that may likely be closed minded to their situation. Me and my siblings went through the same thing with my parents who are pretty closed minded. Although things have improved over the years.

      I am wondering why they refuse to talk to each other though. Usually there has to be at least one willing party.

      Above all else she is your sister and your parents daughter. All we all need is to be loved by our family and feel that they are there 100 percent no matter how differences and thoughts get in the way. We are each unique after all. Love each other and everything will work out. Having difference of opinion is not a reason to stop loving or to alienate someone. That is what hurts the most. Foster love.

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  15. Something i can actually relate to. I look chinese but i probably have less than 10% left :) After a painful relationship with a pure filipino i started dating again after years of being single. My boyfriend's father is pure chinese (g.i) his mom is 25%. He declared in front of my parents he`d fight for me if need be. So i went on happy until i found out that his mother (who was previously okay with me) now disliked me after much coaxing from her husband and in-laws because i wasn't chinese or rich enough. The bigger problem was not being rich. While I'm middle class and hardworking, I'm nowhere near their wants for their son. My bf is the 2nd son among 3 and the only one dating. I couldn't believe i was hearing the poverty card from his parents who used to be very poor. They commented i wasn't worthy for business connections even if they said i was easy to look at. The mom attends sunday service without fail, the dad likes casinos and talking about how poor others are and only wants rich people to surround his son. So much for true love. It's a 50\50 chance for success. My boyfriend hasn't gone through poverty but i have that's why i work very hard. It's sad they won't see how and who i truly am before judging me for my bank account and connections.

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    1. thank you for sharing your story. I feel bad that they are like that! They give fil-chis a bad name! Pero alam mo, I have a theory. I think Hindi Lang Dahil fil-chi sila. I think May insecurity kasi sila sa past nila e. Send me an email :) let's make chikka there na

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  16. Thank you for this post. I'm pure Chinese and my boyfriend is pure Filipino. We've been together for 4 and 1/2 years but my parents still refuse to accept him. My BF and I are both professionals. I don't work for the family business so I make my own money. Obviously, if it's just my own money, I'm not as rich as my parents but I'm happy to be independent. It's so insulting how my parents keep on judging my BF and thinking bad things about him, like how he might steal my money. They don't have any basis for judging him like that other than their own prejudice. I don't agree with the person who said that their fears are about conflict avoidance and avoiding cultural differences. I wish our parents would try to understand things from their children's perspectives as well, hindi yung lagi na lang natin pinagbibigyan yung perspective nila. Times have changed a lot, and we're living in a globalized, multicultural world, so cultural differences aren't always as drastic as before. It still depends on the people involved, but me and my BF don't feel the cultural differences very much. I really want a future with my BF, and he wants one, too. I've always been fighting for him but I'm scared that one day, I might just give up, which would be unfair to him. I want the strength to keep fighting for this no matter what, because I believe in it. (And I also want my future children to grow up in a society where this kind of prejudice doesn't matter.) Please, if you can, pray for our relationship to stay strong and prevail. Thank you!

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    1. Hello! Someone wants to answer your letter :) how nice no? I will post it cguro as an entry.. What's your code name.
      I will pray for your happiness. Whatever that maybe. Message me in my email para you can make me kwento, I'm just sick today but I'll write you back

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    2. Hahaha, just call me Elsa, like the Disney character. Thank you! I'm very protective of my anonymity so maybe I'll use a different email before I write you.

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  17. Thank you so much for this post. This was my greatest fear when me and my now fiance started dating.I'm a pure Filipino and he's Chinese. But really love conquers all and I felt so much blessed because he atleast have a very open minded family. They accepted me wholeheartedly and they supported us with our relationship. They even got excited to think that that soon they will have a Filipina daughter:)

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    1. You should read my other post about my brother and his girlfriend:)

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  18. That is so great to hear. I wish I was as lucky. My family is still traditional in many ways and it is hard to bring in someone from other cultures.

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  19. I read your blogs regularly. Your humoristic way is amusing, continue the good work!

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  20. This article just hit home. I am in a very similar situation and its getting complicated every minute of everyday. my family is just 50% Chinese but nevertheless still very conservative and traditional and my boyfriend is pure filipino. Early into the relationship my parents keep on telling me to break up with him and was given an ultimatum. If i will continue to defy them they will strip me off every little pleasures i enjoy which includes cell phone, night outs, license, car (and yes being grounded in this century still exist). i do understand where they are coming from in fact i know that they have my best interest in mind. but the approach is just out of context and is just simply wrong in all accounts. While on the other side, I am welcomed with open arms in his family. And this really just breaks my heart into pieces. Basically the main reason for the disapproval is because he is a filipino. according to them, they perceived him as someone who will just attach to our so called "wealth" that my parents have earned althroughout their lives. further more it'll be a "disgrace" to the family if a non-Chinese suitor enters our lives. I can say they are very sensitive when it comes to saving face. we are surrounded by people who criticizes our every move especially the mistakes we make. to put it into simpler terms: your demise is their happiness and your sufferings are their entertainment. or at least that's what i am told. but in some cases it does happen so i guess they are just being careful but its being taken into the extremes to the point where prejudices and wrong judgement finally surfaces.
    my boyfriend isn't exactly just someone on the street like they think he is. lets just say he's well off on the same level as we are in fact, weather or not he is under his family's roof or on his own. he's very independent and very responsible. but my parents just seems to always give in to stereotypical prejudices how non-chinese boyfriends/husbands are going to treat their ladies. I beg to disagree, in every ethnicity, society, religion, country their is always a balance of good and bad. There is no extremes of good nor extremes of bad.
    All i am asking is a chance. And they wont even give him a chance. They keep on saying that we don’t know the family background etc but how will they ever know if they won’t give him a chance. I just wish and pray that they will open their hearts and minds to the type of person i came to love I can’t just leave my family. Being in a Chinese family, we all know that filial piety is very important and giving back to your parents is essential. I don’t want to reach to a point wherein i have to choose between him and my family. I just wish they would see the situation in my perspective. And i just really hope that one day they will understand me with open hearts. At this point me and my boyfriend trying to be strong despite the troubles around us. We keep telling ourselves to never give up but i can’t help but wonder what if we fail, what if they really will not open up to us being together what happens to us?to him? To me?

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    1. Hi. I visited this page in the hopes that someone can relate to what I feel. I'm not disappointed. It's wonderful your bf's family accepts you completely, unlike my situation :) I also don't want to reach a point where I make him choose between his family's happiness and our happiness together (I'm filipina and he's 75% Chinese). How disgraceful is it really? I've been insulted face on and stared at from head to foot. I don't speak Amoy but I can understand bits of it. So imagine my humiliation at their family party where his father loudly berated his son about me being his girlfriend. In front of other older Chinese-Filipino friends, can you imagine? I keep telling myself I shouldn't let go of him because he's proud of me (I don't know how rare it is for chinese-Filipino men to show a bit of PDA, but my boyfriend does).

      I'll pray for you even if I don't know you personally, it's all I can do for myself even. Here's to lesser judgement and more acceptance.

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  21. Its really ironic. Long ago when it was majority Filipinos and then the CHinese (Fil-Chi) started coming in to the country in the 70s. Filipino students in the private schools started having Fil-Chi classmates. Fast forward twenty years, Fil Chis are as common as Filipinos in all the best schools. Therefore intermarraiges currently are so common.

    Bad marraiges are not equated with interracial relationships. God knows there are many many bad marraiges between (2) Fil Chis and (2) Filipinos. Mas masaya pa nga yun intermarraiges.

    Anyways, whats funny now is that the TDKs (original genuine mainlanders) are coming in na rin. My family for instance and friends (we are Fil-Chi) do not like to marry TDKs.

    The parents reaction are really really against it. Ngayon may salitaan na na, uy Filipinos nlang anyday kaysa TDK. Gusto mo bang sunud sunuran ka ala CHairman Mao. Communist. Dun nalang sa Filipino was lang TDK.

    Furthermore nowadays there are a lot of Koreans that are coming in too. May old fashioned, may christians din.

    Ayy nako... uso narin sa family namin yung. Uyy wag Korean. TDK nalang or Filipino nalang. The Koreans daw are cruel and medyo no morals. On account siguro of all the bad manners the oldies see from them na di marunong magexcuse me etc. Or minsan grabe sila in the morals department on a physical level. I dont know how to say it politely (LOL)

    So now in our Fil-Chi family 100% CHinese, di tuloy namin malaman kung ano ba talaga. Like us? Filipino? KOrean? or TDK?

    Syempre tama what the other readers said here, it really depends on knowing where you stand. Willing ka ba magdeviate and magkaroon ng sakit ng ulo on the camp of your own family. A good relationship apart from the factors that deal with the individuals is also largely based on how easy and comfortable and smooth sailing external factors are around teh relatioship.

    Whether we admit it or not, maaring okay kayo pero if sobrang hirap naman ang environment, it causes tension too and it will affect the relationship in one way or the other.

    So I realized bottomline is we should know where we stand. Kaya ba natin yung situation na papasukin? Kaya bang panindigan? Are we strong enougha nd tyaga enough? Later na yung if the bf or gf is worth it. Tayo muna, sarili muna natin. If we are only going to cause someone pain kasi we cant hack it, kawawa din, unfair din sa other person.

    And another thing my cousins and I realized after some were successful enough to marry Filipinos and are happy... People and cultures in general have misconceptions. They have things they do not fully know or understand that they FEAR.

    FEAR talaga ang bottom line dito.

    Filipinos sigurista din yan, like teh Chinese. I have a Korean friend. Haha nakakagulat lang Sabi daw ng parents niya huwag na huwag magaasawa ng Chinese guy. Filipino ayaw din. KOrean daw dapat.

    Then she sees the difference like, dad daw niya never hugs her. But she sees the Filipina friends whose dad's are so expressive. But as I told her my dad for example is also expressive. But I do have Filipino friends whose husbands dont want anything to do with babies. Change diaper ayaw din, umiiyak di nila duty.

    Pare parehas lang talaga tayong lahat.

    Now money issue again is another problem. MOney can be earned but if the disparity is very great and the person who is used to a good life cannot hack it then away and discontent talaga yan, kahit mahal mo pa.

    BUt if you are ready to face life na konting sacrifice and kung double naman ang sipag and ambition ng poorer spouse then Im sure teamwork, success in the end.

    Basta wala lang magloko or magka-affairs. Usong uso pa naman ngayon yan both men and women alike.

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  22. For someone who says she is a bit lost you make good points and observations. :) I think you already know the answers. They're just muddled up with all the confusing comments other people have.

    Just look at the core of the person before jumping in. Values, beliefs, etc should mirror or be compatible to your own. Based on my experience just keep an open communication most of all and see if you jive. That is the most important. You should never cancel yourselves out or be 'pikunin' with each other early on. That usually escalates or gets compounded when you get married.

    Good luck with that! :)

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  23. hi just would like to ask for suggestion. I have a fil chi boyfriend..his parents died and left with several sisters. I wonder how can I won his sisters view on me. Last time we met on a lunch date the on of them did not like that I'm there..it seems that I ruined the time. I hope to handle this conflict better. Is it ok to go on marriage without their approval?

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    Replies
    1. Please go to my most recent post to check the answer to your question

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    2. Ask help from your bf because he probably knows them well if he is close to them. Have him help you break the ice.

      It's important to show that you are a good influence to him. See if you are taking him away from his siblings too much.

      There are many ways to go about it but most of all see how much you cherish each other and try to picture if that is enough even though there is a chance that his sisters may not accept you. If yes, then go for it. :)

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  24. My friend have a relationship with a Filchi and his family let him in and live with them. But this is his problem: his achi won't recognize him and I am not invited to any of their family gatherings and introduced as an orphan and bestfriend.
    They are both of the same sex. And my filipino friend is almost giving up.

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  25. Thank you for this article. We are a pure Chinese family. My husband's family came from China and they migrated to the Phils when he was only 7 so technically, my husband and his siblings grew up here. My in-laws are very old fashion and traditional and are very vocal about their children marrying Chinese. Luckily all their kids were married to Chinese partners. My problem is this: my 19 year old son is dating a non-Chinese/ Filipina. He met her in college and have been dating for 2 months now. My husband and I are very modern. As much as possible we support our kids and with regards to relationship, we told them what their grandparents want. When my in-laws know about this Filipina, they frown at the idea of their eldest grandson dating a non-Chinese girl. Same reasoning as the above replies. I know I've guided my son very well and I am very open to him as to the concerns of marrying a non-Chinese ( not Filipinos in particular). I can see that my son considers all our concerns. I know one thing for sure: not all Chinese are good partners and not all Filipinos are bad. In fact, I can see that the Filipina girl is really nice. She came from a middle class family and both parents are professionals. When I told my son what his "ama" and "angkong" reactions, he said and I quote " I am not saying that she is the one I am going to marry na. We are still in the get-2-know each other stage. But if she is, i hope they will respect my decision and be happy for me." I know my in-laws wants to "save face" especially my son is the eldest grandson and they fear that if they allow my son to have a non-Chinese GF/wife, their other grandchildren will follow suit. I don't want to force my son to follow his grandparent's wish either. I want him to be happy and panindigan niya yung choice niya if he really is determined. Do you think my way of thinking is right?

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  26. Thank you for this article. We are a pure Chinese family. My husband's family came from China and they migrated to the Phils when he was only 7 so technically, my husband and his siblings grew up here. My in-laws are very old fashion and traditional and are very vocal about their children marrying Chinese. Luckily all their kids were married to Chinese partners. My problem is this: my 19 year old son is dating a non-Chinese/ Filipina. He met her in college and have been dating for 2 months now. My husband and I are very modern. As much as possible we support our kids and with regards to relationship, we told them what their grandparents want. When my in-laws know about this Filipina, they frown at the idea of their eldest grandson dating a non-Chinese girl. Same reasoning as the above replies. I know I've guided my son very well and I am very open to him as to the concerns of marrying a non-Chinese ( not Filipinos in particular). I can see that my son considers all our concerns. I know one thing for sure: not all Chinese are good partners and not all Filipinos are bad. In fact, I can see that the Filipina girl is really nice. She came from a middle class family and both parents are professionals. When I told my son what his "ama" and "angkong" reactions, he said and I quote " I am not saying that she is the one I am going to marry na. We are still in the get-2-know each other stage. But if she is, i hope they will respect my decision and be happy for me." I know my in-laws wants to "save face" especially my son is the eldest grandson and they fear that if they allow my son to have a non-Chinese GF/wife, their other grandchildren will follow suit. I don't want to force my son to follow his grandparent's wish either. I want him to be happy and panindigan niya yung choice niya if he really is determined. Do you think my way of thinking is right?

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    Replies
    1. As parents, we want our kids to be happy. It's also very common that our Inlaws will judge us on our parenting styles. But I agree with you. Saving face will not make your son happy. Saving face is a very worldly value. The most important thing is, your son is not doing harm to others and he is a good person. The rest...doesn't matter.

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  27. I am a Filipina. I, however, have Chinese blood. My great-grandfather, for instance, is pure Chinese... I am so disheartened right now because the guy pursuing me is Chinese, not to mention that he is the only son of a tycoon. I have fallen in love with another Chinese years ago; I even perfected Mandarin just to somehow learn a part of his culture. That guy and I never became a couple though because his family forbade it. A cousin told me that a Chinese falling for a Filipina is a non-issue because the man is the one expected to take the lead in the family anyway. As long as the non-Chinese woman is decent and successful (or at least shows a lot of potential to become great in life), there is no problem. How true is this? Should I just push this Chinese guy I am in love with away so as to spare myself from eventual heartache?

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    Replies
    1. Depends on the two of you.kami nga 13 years naghintay..hehe..ask him first if his family are ok with you. Then depende na dun yong decision nyo. Try to be open minded also. Welcome their culture into your life but don't lose yourself in the process. I learned alot from my bf. I learned the importance of family, food and great finance skills. All of the above are great Chinese attributes i really admire. Anyways, i'll pray for the two of you. Hope everything will go well for you and your guy.

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  28. hi Anonymous,
    It all boils down to how traditional the family of the guy is. There is really no right answer to this kind of situation because every family is unique. If the family is old fashion, then you will definitely have a hard time. Are you ready for that? "The only son of a tycoon" - Woohh! Are you sure you want to be part their family? Even if you are not after their wealth, the people surrounding you will believe that and it's not gonna be easy. Also, another point to consider is if the guy will stand by you even if the parents oppose. If yes, you get 50% luck. So, weigh things properly first.

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  29. I was going to post pretty much the same thing. I agree with Waffle. It sums up what was on my mind. :)

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  30. I am also in the same situation. Thank you for your article it opened my eyes a bit.My bf is chinese and his parents hates me because of the ff reasons as per my bf:1)i wasn't chinese 2)i am not rich 3)and maitim daw ako. I mean what's wrong with not being Chinese, not being rich and being maitim? What is up with that? Anyways my bf and I are pregnant and we are going to have our secret civil wedding next month. He said he loves me and that he won't be happy unless he's with me and that if he were to do it over again, he would still choose me. Naks!Grabe he cried pa when i told him i can't handle all the insults from his parents anymore. He begged that i stay and that he "lost" his family na daw then i would leave him. Anyways my papa and mama hated him for a while for how his parents treated me but he reassured them that he's not like his parents. All i know is that i love this man so much. From 2003 until now. "Highschool love" yata toh. Haha.
    Speaking of h/s, these situations are not limited to lovers.I remembered when i was in highschool, we had group project and i was assigned with 2 chinese classmates. (I went to a chinese school, thats where bf and i met. Hehe. )We agreed that we would have the group project done s house nung isa naming groupmate on a saturday overnight. Forward to the night mismo my papa dropped me sa labas ng bahay ng classmate ko and i let papa drive away. Then i called out sa my gate tao po. Then mom nung classmate ko lumabas. She said wala yong classmate ko and that i should go. I was about to go when i saw my classmate s my veranda nila waving at me gesturing to her phone. Then na shock ako and looked at my phone. She texted me and shes sorry and that her mom don't allow "huana" inside their house. I will never forget that. Really made a bad impression regarding filchi but i know not all naman are like that.
    Mahaba na pala comment ko. Anyways this article is really helpful. Please continue writing about situations like this because it will help all of us filipinos in understanding each other. More power..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pasensya na. May mga taong epal Lang talaga.

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    2. May mga mababait din...like us!

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    3. Ofcourse maam..like my fiance too. Sabi nya nga mahihimasmasan din mga parents nya kapag labas ng baby namin..lol..apo lang daw katapat nyan..here's hoping!!!

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  31. Thank you so much for your prayers and response to my August 2nd post. :) Please call me Angela. Hehe. All I could do now is pray that we could get passed this. Ang hirap kasi, apart from the he can't be with anyone non-Chinese, almost 10 years pa ang age gap namin... (Ako ang older.)

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  32. Just stumbled to this post. I'm a tsutsiya too and in a relationship with my pure chinese bf. 6 years na kami, my family knows him already medyo mahigpit lang si papa when I introduced him after a year in our relationship, but ok na ngayon. Kaso si bf, still can't introduce me to his family. Okay nalang rin sana yon, wala naman kaso. Last I heard, when he told his family na tsutsiya ako, they don't like it. Ang foul lang kasi gusto pa sya i-kaishao sa iba recently. Nakakafrustrate. Magiging martir ata ko.

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  33. Ive always been interested in Chinese culture that includes Filipino-Chinese culture too. Its interesting to hear and read people's experiences. Before I thought this only happens in movies. I also have a workmate who is dating a pure Chinese. But now that person does not post any photos with because the parents are against their relationship.So they just kept their relationship a secret or the person will be disowned. Getting in a relationship is serious, and with this kind of case it makes a relationship even more serious and complicated. So sad... Anyway kudos to the owner of this blog!

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