Wednesday, 21 May 2014

Day 93: Kai Shao

Many automatically associate Kai Shao with Arranged Marriages.  This is so wrong!  Kai Shao literally means Introduction. It is nothing more than a set-up or a "Reto".

Perhaps, the only difference is people who initiate the Kai Shao have looked into your family background. Afterall, in Chinese culture,"Saving Face" is very important.

We don't want to introduce someone with a questionable profile because we will be blamed if something goes wrong with the match and we will "lose face". 

Thanks to Facebook and Instagram, Kai Shao(s) are not so scary anymore. You can now check or even talk to your potential mate and eliminate any prospect of negative surprises.

When I was working in a big company, I used to think that only desperate guys would agree to meet people this way. I wondered why can't they just go out more or go to church or attend some orgs. 

But the more I mingled with other Fil-Chi, the more I realized that it is not that easy to meet other people. 

Most Fil-Chi kids work for the family business. They spend more time with their employees than socializing with people their age.  Some of them are also not into the party scene.

No one is ever forced into Kai Shao. No one will physically drag you to meet your date. And no one can force you to text someone!

Here's how it works:

1. Aunties (it's usually some aunty) or a relative will approach you or your parents to ask if you are      interested to meet a boy/girl.
 Note:  A friend can also approach you directly.

2. They describe the potential target and give a detailed family and/or financial background.

3.  You agree on a date and place. (Then you do your own share of checking)

4.  Traditionally, you meet your date with the person who introduced the two of you.
Note:  It's always better if you go by yourselves. I tell you, it's so stressful to wait for the 2 to develop chemistry right before your eyes!

5. If you like your date,  you correspond thru all forms of communication.
If you don't just politely say, "It was nice to meet you. Thanks for coffee/dinner etc"

6. Hopefully, he/she likes you back.

7. Lastly, be prepared to answer follow up questions from family and friends.

Easy Peasy!

So, don't ever think that this is  a forced or arranged marriage. This is just like any other date set-up.

I was lucky, I only met 3 people thru Kai Shao.

I will marrying this coming July  the first one I met. 

My only advise to those who are looking, take it easy and have fun.

Still on Pause,



  1. Sad to say yes Kai Siao the CHinese way really works most of the time. But there are those that are very subversive and downright #users.

    I know of some Fil-Chi families who know na may sabit yung son nila. Anak sa labas kung baga. Eh syempre ayaw nila kasi unsuitable si GF for a variety of reasons. The most usual is that she is Pinay. Ay sus talaga!!

    So under the pretense of a perfect match or a good catch, kai siao without being up front.

    I had a cousin na sobrang mapilit this old lady friend of our ama to kai siao her. Then someone found out on facebook na this guy had an MU at school na Pinay classmate. Cute girl decent din prestigious school but Pinay (di pwede diba). So here comes the oldies gently persuading him albeit slightly forcing the guy to kai siao and meet other young fil-chi girls. To you know get out there and get to know people to see the other flavors of cake available. Baka magbago ang isip. Ang sama and thats frankly very very dangerous.

    Or another family na wanted to Kai Siao a friend of mine few years back. When she met the guy medyo weird daw. Ayun he had mild autism (I dont mean any offense). But the family is in denial. Immature lang daw. Ang pilit talaga. My friend works with special kids preschool teacher. One look and she knew na agad.

    I remember recent years lang it happened to me too. Kai Siao diba suitable guy daw. Cute, polite but frankly he wasnt too happy about being Reto sakin. Cute naman ako hahaha. Seriously.

    I had to lead the conversation, he just clammed up. So funny few days later I get a call from him. May GF na daw siya and hes been fighting for her for years. 4 to be exact but his family refuses to accept her. He asked me very politely, ahhh can you tell my Auntie that you dont like me. Hindi mo ako type. Cge na help me out naman.

    Tawa lang ako ng tawa hahaha. We ended up being friends and I did help him. But funny din how life goes. He ended up marryign a Fil-Chi din. He didnt end up with PInay girl. Happy naman siya, buti nalang

    1. Kaya nga if ikaw nag kai Shao Dapat ginawa mo rin homework mo at nag background check ka rin. Same Lang din actually sa reto ng mga pinoy.

      Na experience ko na mag fall in love in a natural way. Ung tipong crush mo Lang sa office tapus niyaya ka. Kilig, pero sa kai Shao, in fair same din ha. Kinilig din ako ne meet ko asawa ko. Ung Ibang kai Shao sa akin...yaks di ko feel. Hindi nag home work ung nag kai Shao.

  2. Meron ka bang ma kai xiao na la me? Age 34 to 39.

    1. padala mo details mo sa email ko and picture. wala ng kaishao if hindi nakikita mukha ng girl :)

  3. Hi! I'm got inspired by this! I'm writing a short story about arranged marriages and blind dates in Filipino Chinese culture. Do you have a list of terms about what you know regarding these things? I really love rereading this post. It's like something out of fairytale, but it's actually true.

  4. Did you heard that there's an online match-making website catered for the Fil-Chi community? It is hehehe

  5. Hi. I'm pure pinay and nabasa ko to. My 1st boyfriend who I thought was the one is pure Chinese but we broke up kasi nag ka kayshao sya and kinasal sila( I almost died crying when I heard about it, oa pero yeah I almost did) Years passed I met this guy pure Chinese din and same din kami na sa construction industry. Nanligaw twice ko na nireject but he was mapilit that time. Sabi ko allergic na ko sa mga Chinese because of my past and yun another months of convincing and pursuing me nagpauto ako sa sinabi nya na kaya nya ko ipaglaban, nakakatawa to think na di pa ko nadala. Ganun din, nagka kayshao din sya and iniwan din ako. Di ko nga naitanonh what's the taste of his own words eh. Sana lang kung alam naman na di talaga pwede sa family pag di Chinese wag na magbf/gf ng Filipino, Unfair din kasi eh, sabi dito article Hindi naman finoforce na I meet or idate Ang Kayshao but from my past relationships Ang dating e wala silang choice but to follow the tradition so pinapakasalan. I don't know what's the hardest e, yung almost kasi akala mo yun na, or yung iiwanan ka nalang kasi kahit among gawin nyo di pwede