Thursday, 15 September 2016


Last weekend, my parents flew in from Iloilo to check up on me and the baby.

My dad noticed that my style has significantly deteriorated. I haven't been combing my hair because of my hair loss and my pambahay clothes are really drabby.

Weight wise I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight or maybe just 3 lbs above it.

He said, I should dress better. I told him what's the point if I have nowhere to go. He said I should look good for my husband. Honestly, if that's the only reason...I don't want to even bother. (NOTE: I should write about the aftermath of my marriage after childbirth and living with in-laws)

Then he said, if being a mommy is my new job then I should treat it with the same passion and professionalism as I did with my previous work.

So, I went to shop for PAMBAHAY and spent over 5,000 for my new lounge wear wardrobe.

Ang English pala ng pambahay ay lounge wear.

If you want sossy pambahay buy in UNIQLO, MARKS AND SPENCERS. Hindi maganda tela sa SM and mahal din ha! 

I also bought DRESS SHIRTS by COLLEZIONE. I wear inside the house, when I go across the street to do my grocery in RUSTANS or even when I go to The Peninsula Manila for coffee. May promo last week. 40 lang Ice Coffee kaya na afford ko. Versatile ang lounge wear na to. 799 pesos each. I got 3 pcs. Wash and wear lang. Yun lang nga, hassle mag breastfeed.

Ikaw, what do you wear sa bahay?




Wednesday, 14 September 2016

Letter: On Being Gay in a Filipino-Chinese Family

Dear L,

As early as 15 years old, I knew I am a lesbian. But, I kept quiet then about it because I come from a very traditional Filipino-Chinese family.

We are so traditional that my father threatened to disown my brother when he dated a Filipina. 

He said, you will not receive a single cent from me if you choose that woman.  I saw my mother crying as she was begging him to end their relationship.

Given the chaos and emotional stress my brother, their only son, gave them, I didn't want to add to their burden during that time. 

My brother and his girlfriend fought for their relationship for 5 years while I patiently stayed in the closet.
Perhaps, he got tired or maybe he just became practical but my brother ended his relationship with his Filipina girlfriend and married another Fil-Chi, less than a year after the break-up. It was all so fast and I don't know how they managed to organize such a big wedding with around 1000 guests.  

My parents were beaming with pride.

A year after the wedding, my brother and his wife had a beautiful baby boy. 

Everyone was happy.

 I figured, it was the perfect time to come out and tell my family that I'm gay. 

I have already graduated and I was doing well in my first job.

I was wrong.

My mom cried. My dad was stunned and walked out of the room.

The following week, my sister-in-law and my mom asked me out for coffee. When we arrived at the coffee shop, I was surprised that there was a boy waiting for me. He was around 26 years old. 

So...apparently that coffee date was my first kaishao.

That night when we came home, mama kept asking me if I liked my date. I said, "Ma, I'm lesbian." She told me that it's just a phase and if I meet the right guy, I will change.

I didn't argue.

They attempted to introduce me to more boys. I always found an excuse not to go. 

After a year of trying, my mom spoke to me. She told me that I need to get married because I need someone to take care and provide for me. Our business will only go to my brother. I told mama that it's okay, I have a job.  She started crying again so that conversation went nowhere.

Back then I was really resentful because I felt  they just wanted to save face. I wasn't too convinced that they were  genuinely and selflessly concerned about my future.

I dated in secret, mostly I found my dates online because no one in my "Real" world wanted to acknowledge that I am gay.  

At every birthday and wedding, my relatives asked me "O Meron na ba?". I politely turned down every offer to introduce me to some Fil-Chi boy. Pero may nakakalusot. I'd get invited for dinner and when I get there, trick pala un

Eventually I found someone at work. We just got developed. I can't explain how it happened. 

My girlfriend only dated guys before me. I don't know but something just clicked  between us. Perhaps, it was the all the late nights we spent working in the office.

After a year of dating, I tried to introduce her to my parents but they refuse to even let me finish my invitation.

I talked to my mom and told her na pagod na ako. I can't change. This is me. 

Mama cried and said,  "You know our only wish is that when we are gone, you will have a family of your own. That you will not be alone when you are old."

I tried to convince her that I won't be alone and adoption is always an options but she couldn't process it.

I saw the sadness and pain in her eyes. I felt guilty. 

But this is me...I can't change myself. 

So now, I decided to just keep this part of my life private. I'm still in a relationship with my girlfriend. Her parents are also in denial. It's such one big mess. 

I'm not sure how this will end. But, I'm really sure that I can't be straight just to make my parents happy. I really can't 


Note: Thanks Y for your letter. Thank you to all those who sent their letters too.

Sunday, 11 September 2016


I've been watching reruns of Gossip Girl for  the last 5 days.

I told myself that on my 35th birthday (or 40th) I wish to fly business class to New York and stay in a 5 star hotel, preferably within the upper east side. 

I want to feel rich, posh and glamorous.

Then it occurred to me that before I quit my job and got married, that was how I travelled for work. I always flew business class via Singapore Airlines and I always stayed in nice hotels.

I felt a pang of sadness at how my life changed so significantly.

Nowadays I mostly wear pambahay and I spend my past time doing my laundry. 

My husband got me an Hermes bag for my birthday. I am truly grateful.  Then, I realized I don't have anywhere to go.

So the bag now slumbers like Sleeping Beauty in my cabinet. 

Perhaps, I'll wake her up and bring her with me when I go to New York, some time in the near future.

How about you, any fantasies?



Friday, 9 September 2016


My husband and I had video chat.

I showed him my boobs.

One had an electric pump and the other had the Haakaa silicone pump.

The boobs are no longer for foreplay. 



Wednesday, 7 September 2016


I'm sorry for my Leave of Absence. 

Apart from the fact that I've been very busy with the baby, my in-laws have discovered this blog/journal. 

They talked to my husband about it. I don't know why they made a fuss about some of the things I wrote, after all they were true and my husband read all of those entries. He usually reads my posts for proofreading  before I press "publish."

 After that "talk" they had with him, I lost interest in writing because I don't want to filter my thoughts. I'm already very far from my friends. I only express my thoughts and feelings in this blog. If I can't write freely ...then what's the point. I also deleted (but saved) some of the posts that they found hurtful. I don't want to deal with issues. I have no energy and time for it.

Actually, if they want to know what I think, they can just ask me. I don't understand the need to go through my posts and make assumptions. 

So much for being incognito...