Monday, 1 September 2014

Normal is Good

Recently, I've been feeling quite sad and agitated for no specific reason. Perhaps these negative feelings came about because of the gloomy weather.

The same way I fight flu, I am trying to fight against my unhealthy emotions.

I have a few happy drugs in my stash....YOGA, RUNNING and CHURCH. Church is by far the most effective if them all.

Yesterday, I attended a service and Hayden Kho spoke about his redemption. His sincerity echoed in the room despite the restraint in his voice.

While Hayden was speaking, I couldn't help but start crying. I was worried that S would  poke fun at me. He thinks I cry too easily.  Thankfully, he kept mum and just held my hands.

While I never had anything near to what Hayden went through, I could empathize on how hopeless he must have felt during those times. I understood why he attempted to take his life. 

When I got dump ( and trust me when I say it wasn't just an ordinary break up) it was like watching a movie that I couldn't fast forward to the happy ending. For someone who reads the movie synopsis before watching, this dark chapter of my life was something I wasn't prepared for. 

I felt terrible during the day. Pain manifested itself in a more physical way. My chest was heavy. It was as if someone decided to put brick on top of brick on top of my chest. I slept hoping I would wake up and find out that everything that happened was merely a nightmare but I woke up to where I exactly left off. 

Life is like that, I guess. Ups and Downs. Mountains and Trenches.

After his talk, it I felt guilty about my negative feelings. When I was sad, I prayed for God to bring normal back. Now that normal is here, I complain to God that I am bored.

I am an ungrateful child of God. 

After Hayden's talk, I was reminded that I control my own happiness. 

My now is being a housewife. There I said it. I hope that by saying it often, I will eventually take pride in my new role.

In the same respect that Hayden could not erase his past, I can not just erase my now. AND I SHOULDN'T!  Many people in office wish they are at home. In fact, an officemate messaged me yesterday sharing that she resigned and will now be a full time mom.

I should be happy where I am. God gave me what I prayed for. He gave me a normal and stable life. And this won't be forever. 

Problems will come. My loved ones will get sick. There will be difficulties for sure. But for now...everything is normal. 

For now, everything is okay. 

And with this , I am deciding to change the course of my emotions by training my mind to spot and be thankful for the simple joys in life.

This monday morning, I made pancakes for my husband and we had a nice breakfast. 

The sad truth is life is not always good. I'm starting to see that life comes in this ratio: 

50% normal, 15% joy, 5% extreme elation, 30% challenges. 

Normal is good.Simple is good.

Still on Pause,


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