Monday, 11 January 2016

The Fear Of Losing Myself

I am a strong advocate of Self-Love. I believe that things and people change and will eventually leave me.

This is not me being pessimistic.

Buddhism teaches that even something precious and enjoyable is " dukkha", because it will end. So, my shallow understanding of Buddhism lead me to a shallow execution. I simply try not to get too attached to anything or anyone.

On my list, God comes second. I am working on loving God before myself.  It's a relationship that is a work in progress.

The political answer is to always say "I love God above all" but let's be honest...most of the decisions we choose are almost always for our own good rather than obeying the will of God.

Raise your hand if you have forgiven all those who have sinned against you? And I mean ALL.


You see my point.

Then there's my husband. He is third on my list.

Of course I love my husband very much but I will not deny that I love myself more. If I don't love myself, I probably have no love to give him anyway.

When I got married I did promise to be with him for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish and until death do us part. I never made a vow to love him above myself.

So far loving myself has allowed me to survive life. It is quite easy for me to leave people or circumstances that cause me unhappiness.

For me, life is too short to waste on people and things I don't like.

Then pregnancy happened...

With only 16 weeks to go until giving birth, it finally dawned on me that I will potentially love another person ABOVE myself. It's a scary thought.

A couple of nights ago, I broke down and cried to my husband.

I feel that once I give birth, MY life is over.
I will never be able to just up and leave for a new job abroad. 
I will never be able to just go MIA for weeks or months. 
I will never be able to just demand for privacy and solitude any time I want.
Whatever I decide to do, I will now have to consider my child and my family.
I will also now be judged as mom.
The behavior and the future of my child will also define me and my capabilities as a person.

I sound very selfish.

I won't deny that I am.

I fear that I will lose myself as I focus on doing what is right.

My mom once told me...

"Inday, if I choose my own happiness, what will happen to you and your brother? You will come from a broken home and you will not be able to marry into a good family. Or worst, you will also end up a separated woman."

My mom essentially put our needs and our future above hers. I always joke that she is in the running for a martyrdom award.  To be fair to my dad he wasn't that bad a husband.  He never cheated and abused my mom. They just have communication issues.

My husband said...

"I am happy that you are scared because it means you know what is the right thing to do and the right thing is always daunting."

I do not question my capabilities to be a good mom. I question whether I will be happy after giving birth. I fear that I will lose myself to the point that I will be resentful.

Given that I seem to have so many fears, you may wonder why then did I decide to have a baby?

It's because I love my husband very much and I know the desires of his heart. He wants to be a father. And because I love him, I will do everything in my power to give him what only I can provide.

But then as my due date gets closer, I realize that this child is not just a gift that I just simply give. This is a gift that will require me to constantly give.

I only started feeling this fear last week. Previously, I was very thankful.

Hopefully, this is just a phase. I don't like this feeling too. I feel such an ingrate. God gave me what I asked for but here I am worrying about myself instead.

I hope this too shall pass...

For now, kindly allow me to be truthful and share that..."I still can't see the rainbow. My sky is still filled with clouds of fears."





  1. Every one is always fearful of the unknown and you are not different from any one else I wish I could offer you comfort in childbearing and child rearing but although I am married my husband and I are childless not by choice but by circumtance but we are very happy together we are growing old together. Keep on praying and keep a rainbow in your heart. God Bless♡♥

    1. Thank you for your kind words. Indeed, you are right. It is the fear of the unknown.
      I don't want God to take His gift away. I feel guilty for even having such thoughts considering, that I too was once like you. I was once childless and prayed so much that He puts a child inside my womb. I feel guilty that after He heard my prayers and I once again became fearful. At first, I was fearful that I will not conceive. Then I was fearful that my pregnancy won't progress. Then I became fearful for my child's health and after God has heard and answered all my fears, I have yet another one- fear of losing myself. I do not know if this is normal but I do take comfort that God will once again answer my prayers. I will pray for your happiness too :)

  2. Don't worry I'm sure maternal instincts kicks in naturally and you will find happiness in that

  3. I once was told by a priest that acknowledging your fears is a proof that your faith is alive. I may not be able to relate or feel what you are going through but I pray that you will find yourself along the way :)

    1. Thanks Jacq. Like what my husband said, he is glad I feel fear kasi it means I am not going into motherhood blindly. Anything new and great brings fear. If not, then it's not great enough an endeavor.

  4. Our fears show us that we are human and we know what is right from wrong. Fears and temptations are tests that God sets forth to to see if we will deviate from the path that we are supposed to take.

    I'm based in the US; Years ago just like you, I was a career woman. I had a high-paying job, flying in and out of town almost every week. I thought I could do it all; be a mom, a wife, a daughter, a career woman. My husband quit his job to stay home with our daughter, who was 2 then.

    I thought I had it all, until I lost it all. I lost my husband in a car accident while bringing our kid to school. To make matters worse, I was out of the country when all of this happened.

    I couldn't come back to the US to attend to everything and be with my daughter because I had work. My boss told me either I stay or I quit. I chose to stay. To this day I regret my choice.

    Since then I've quit my work and now have a lighter job, that allows me to be there for my daughter.

    It's been 4 years. My daughter and I are ok and have somehow moved on, but I feel up to this day, I don't think she has really forgiven me. She still asks where was I when the accident happened. She still misses her dad. I miss my husband.

    I feel your fears. I lived your fears. I had all your fears. But believe me when I say that it will all get better. Don't let what happened to me happen to you. I had to lose something great in order to find myself.

    Know your true north and keep your compass pointed towards it. No matter what fears, temptations (to return to what is comfortable and familiar) come your way, as long as you have your compass right, you won't get lost.

    It won't be easy... But it will all be worth it.

    Thank you for your blog and this entry. It has reminded me of so many things. Wishing you all the happiness and blessings in the world.

    1. Thank you for your story. It moved me to tears. I feel God spoke to me through you. I also remember that I wasn't able to give my mom her 60th birthday, like I gave my dad, because the VP of the company came for an important meeting. As the head of marketing, my presence was not optional. It was mandatory.
      That's is why I quit my job when I got married because I didn't want to miss anymore milestone. However, it's not easy.
      There I days, I feel so low. I can't imagine that I am now just cleaning the house unlike before that I chaired high profile meetings.
      Your story is indeed very sad. It's something I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy. I pray that God heals your heart. Your story reminded me that I made the right decision, however painful it sometimes feel.