Monday, 29 December 2014

Unexpected Dark Clouds Causing Strong Waves

...Causing Stong Waves of Emotions...

My heart is burdened now.

My parents have gone back home to Iloilo. My first ever Christmas feast was a success. Things are slowly getting back to normal..except my tummy which still demands to be seen!

I will write about my Christmas celebrations soon but for now, I need to get something off my chest. 

Yesterday, before we drove my parents to the airport, we attended the 9 am Sunday service at CCF.  It started out really well. We had a hearty breakfast and I was all pumped up to do my praise and worship.

Then when the choir started singing Chris Tomlin's Song, "Whom Shall I Fear"  a thought came to me. I turned to S and said, "You know, a few weeks ago, maybe Miss P also sang this song in this very halls."

I started weeping uncontrollably again. I faced S so that my mom won't see me. Nahiya ako to show my mom that I'm on my crayola mode again. My mom rarely cries. Feeling ko spartan sya. Para syang member ng 300.

After the service ended, we bumped into Miss P's husband. Understandably, he was very sad. I sensed the heaviness of his heart so I started crying in front of him. It's embarassing.  I don't know him. I just met him that day! But I wanted to hug him and cry with him. S didn't know how to react. 

I really hate it when I feel strong emotions such as this. I could never control it. Lalo na if may music! I seem to have taken to extremes the saying, "Put yourself in other's shoes". 

This is not the first time such thoughts and emotions occurred to me. Early this year, when I watched the newsfeed of the crash of MH370, I told S..

                "You know at some point, the people on that plane also 
                  watched the newsfeed of the ferry accident in Korea.
                  I wonder what they were thinking then..." 

Do you also have these thoughts? Or am I weird?'s a blessing.

I think my very existence is surreal. Sometimes, I don't understand why I have thoughts and feelings that are different from S and from other people. Same hardware but different software. How did that come about? Soul?

Life fascinates me. 

Life also scares me a lot. It's great now but the future is so uncertain. I only have a 3-month planning horizon. Anything beyond 3 months is so vague for me.

All these dark thoughts reinforce the importance of NOW.  

My NOW is so important that I don't want anything or anyone ruining it. My "now" is the only thing certain. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow may not come. 

It's hard for others to understand my lack of regard for public approval. Truth be told, it is rooted in my fear of the future.

I pray every morning and every night for God to help me strengthen my faith so that I can ward my fears away. I do yoga so that i can learn to let go.

Sorry if this post is just a bunch of mumbles.  The incident yesterday compounded by the disappearance of AirAsia 8501 casted a dark cloud over me.

It's hard for me to structure my thoughts because I feel terribly down again. I spent the entire night praying for all the love ones left behind. S has been watching the news nonstop since yesterday. I want to help. I don't know how. 




  1. What you have is Empathy. We had a bad 2 years in a row. Lost our jobs we have to move home and lost a lot of our friends because of the move I lost my sanctuary (my church) I was so lost so angry but have to think of my husband above all I have to be strong for him to be strong
    And I talked to God day and night asking why but in the end I accepted everything as a blessing and thank God for all the tears the pain the despair and then I sigh a breathe of hope for something good inspite of all these pain. Hang in there you just feel so much for the world in pain. God Bless.

    1. I admire your strength. Your husband is very lucky to have you,
      I will pray that your pain will pass soon.

    2. Thank you I take life one day at a time now I have to learn to cope with changing lifestyle and less expectations that way the pain would not be so much. Life is a struggle but we're getting there. Thank you for your prayers. Happy New Year. Best of luck for 2015.

    3. In 2011, I also went thru my life's version of a "tough time". It was so tough that I thought it was the end of the world, as I know it.

      Pain demanded to be felt. My chest was just so heavy and painful. I go to bed wishing it was just a dream only to wake up to the same reality.

      It's like a movie that I can't fast forward to the happy ending.

      The best advice a friend gave me...GET UP. GET DRESSED. SHOW UP. DO AGAIN TOMORROW.

      And you know what, in time...things just got better. Now I look back and I realize that needed to happen.

      How can we appreciate happiness if we have never been sad?

      Hang in there. Everything will be better in God's Time. You are in my prayers.