The Near Future

In real life, I am quite different from the way I write here. 

The truth is sometimes I'd go through my "sad seasons" for weeks or months. 

During these sad seasons, my thoughts would be very dark, somber and hopeless and so I would translate these thoughts into optimistic and humorous stories.  Let's be pragmatic, who wants to read depressing entries?

However, behind the scenes, I would search for blogs and people I could relate or I could draw inspirations from. I believe that what I feed my mind can shape my views about life. 

It was during one these sad seasons that I stumbled upon Patty's blog, www.nonstopbabble.com

Patty was a corporate girl who took a career shift and became a stay at home mom because she was going through cancer treatments. I felt I could relate to her.

I devoured her blog when I was sad. I latched on to every word and thought because to me...those were like prescriptions on how to deal with the new chapter of my life.

Then her blog disappeared!




I looked for her in Twitter to ask what happened and when would her blog be up again. Eventually, we started talking. The last chat was just Dec 9...




I don't know why....but she made it easy for me to tell her things, which I would otherwise not tell other people for fears of being told that I am ungrateful...

I have always kept my personal life separate from my online life and so I never got to meet Patty. But, I value my online friends because I feel I could be myself around them. No social pressures to conform or to put up appearances depicting a perfect life and no fears of being judged.

Last month, my husband sent Patty a couple of raisin loaves because she told him that she lost her appetite. She liked it.  So, I told her that I will be sending some of my baked goods.

However, I was still practicing and my butter raisin loaf was nowhere near perfect.  I told her that I would send it in the near future.

That near future never came. This morning I found out that Patty passed away. I sent a message to S. He was shocked. Then shock turned to sadness.

It is amazing how people can affect our lives and elicit such strong emotions. I can not explain why I am so affected because Patty and I never met. In fact, I feel I have no right to feel this sadness.

Someone once asked me, why I know so many sad stories. I told her that because I have experienced deaths and sadness, people feel comfortable to share their stories with me. People know that I will empathize and cry with them.

Patty's passing once again reinforced my belief that is best captured by this quote...

" Today is the Tomorrow I was worried about Yesterday".

Tony once told me I was his "Martha" because I was such a worrier.  I worried so much about what people will say about me. I saved a lot. I would always delay gratification.

Then, Tony died at the young age of 36. I realized that I was worried about the near future, which may or may not come.From that moment on...

                                                        I make sure that TODAY matters. 

I make sure that when I am sad, I make an effort to be happy.

I make sure that I will not worry about what other's will say about me. 

As long as I am not doing anything that will cause them pain or harm,

 I will do what I need to be happy.

Because TODAY is so important. 

Once today is over, it becomes part of my PAST, 

which I could never bring back.

In honor of Patty's life, 

Mourning,

L