Tuesday, 25 August 2015

Dark Thoughts

Okay, sorry for the negativity but I have to write all these down.

My demons are back and I'm plagued with despair. I am having the same usual dark thoughts, all of which always end up in death.

The night before I got married, we had the traditional hair combing ceremony. As my dad combed my hair and my mom recited the wishes, I started crying. I was feeling scared that marriage means adulthood and adulthood means my parents will die eventually. 

Simple logic: As a I grow old, they grow old too.

Fast forward to now, I am developing fears on motherhood.

 I have been taking fertility treatments and 2 months into the journey, I realize that if and when I become a parent, my parents will be grandparents and grandparents die eventually.

The thoughts are so overwhelming and it's causing me depression.

Sometimes, I feel I don't want to be here and see my loved ones go. It makes me think na "Baka mas okay if unahan ko sila. "

Ofcourse crazy thoughts. And I wouldn't do such things. Takot ko Lang sa hell

But how do I avoid the inevitable? 

I once had a dream. I saw a tidal wave approaching and all I did was to turn my back. I closed my eyes and just gave up as death came rushing towards me. 

Yes, I have OCD and I am prone to think of fatality even in the happiest of occasions. I want to stop it too. My husband doesn't think like me and finds these thoughts extremely selfish.

There's nothing I can do except to pray and to convince myself that my God is a good God.

I tell you, such are my thoughts. 




  1. You know what. It's okay to have these thoughts. I have them too.
    Minsan I think of giving up, but then since I have kids - hindi ko naman yata kaya that they grow up without me.

    Death and Taxes - diba yun lang ang constant sa mundo? I remembered this from the movie Meet Joe Black. Hahaha!! Pero totoo yan. I

    I think as we grow older - we get fatalistic thoughts on others and on ourselves.

    We become FEARFUL of what is to come.

    Maybe this is because no one has come back from that journey and told us the tale. Hahaha!!

    It's the unexpected - walang coaching, training - nothing.

    Kaya ka ba quiet?

    Miss your chats!

    love, didi

    1. Parang I feel if my parents are gone parang wala na akong tatakbuhan