Monday, 16 June 2014

Day 119: Am I really ON PAUSE?

When I started this blog, the intent is to put my life ON PAUSE while I prepare for my wedding and my marriage..

In the last 119 days, I have traveled, gone home, made all the necessary arrangements for the wedding, started yoga, fixed our new home, reconnected with old friends and made new friends and more importantly I readied myself for my new role.

We started going to church every Sunday. PRAISE GOD that He touched the heart of S to join me! We joined the BEFORE and AFTER I DO workshop and never missed a SATURDATE in CCF. I also started to read the blog of Joy Tanchi- Mendoza, , so that I may learn how to live in and impart grace.

Truth be told, I don't feel my life is at pause at all. In fact, I feel these past few months were busy months for my MAKE OVER.  

And it's hard. It's hard to remove that armor that I have slowly clothed myself with.

I went through that moment of high from my freedom, depression, fear and now I have hit reality with both sadness and enthusiasm. 

Sadness and Enthusiasm= CRAZY.

I find myself that I am still that IRON LADY. S told me I really have a tone that sets him off.  S said, our home can't be my new office and he is not my new team mate. He emphasized that he is my new CEO.

And with that ladies,I can unabashedly say that my future husband has balls and he knows how to put me in my place.

This is really my coaching style. I push and challenge my people and wait for them to tell, "Boss, I have this under control. I'll take care of this."

That's the sweetest line I can ever hear. I believe weapons are built with fire.

Unfortunately in marriage, it's different. Without professionalism as my shield, I can't seem to always ignore my pride. It's hard to put all the things I have learned from church in practice because my pride levels are higher than my patience.  I also have balls and I badly need to be neutered. 

Awareness is a good start though.

I have girls telling me that their current relationships are perfect and they don't need to attend any marriage workshop. Good for them. I acknowledge with humility that I need to be fixed in this aspect.

And with just one month til my wedding, I ask myself...  "Do I now end this blog because I am not on pause anymore?" Infact, it seems that I never hit pause.

In hindsight, I realize that I baptized my blog with the wrong name. The name implies that work is my life and outside work,  I'm in limbo.


Am I Still on Pause?


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