It has been quite a difficult week for me as I battled with my emotions: excitement, fear, sadness and extreme nostalgia. I had this brilliant idea to do our own "growing up" video for the wedding because I had the story in my mind and the skill to execute it.
Well, it turned out to be a very bad idea.
In fact I nearly fell into depression as I was reminded of my once amazing and busy life. I've travelled. I've had my own home. I've had freedom. I asked myself, "So, now what? What else do I have to look forward to?"
My friends told me to look forward to building a family with S but my demons told me to not get my hopes up because I may not have kids. Then I reminded myself that I have always just wanted to grow old with S but my demons won't shut up. They asked me, "What if you outlive S?"
Such evil thoughts...
Oh it was just horrible, I tell you! I'm sure you must think I'm a psycho who can hear demons. Demons make themselves felt through our fears.
It is so hard to give up the FANTASTIC NOW in favor of the UNCERTAIN FUTURE.
(more to this story)
Amidst my fears, God still attempts to talk to me. In the last 2 sermons, we learned about how Abraham blindly followed the command of the Lord and waited patiently for his promise. When his promise came in the form of his son, ISAAC, God asked Abraham to offer Isaac.
Isaac represents our blessing that we cherish the most. But when this blessing takes the place of God in our lives, it is no longer right.
When I was working, it was such a hassle to go to church. It was also a hassle to go home and visit my family.
My career is my Isaac. It was one of God's greatest gift to me. It brought me money, opportunities, friends and pride.
Because I am still so in love with my career, I can't fully rejoice in God's Plan for me: to be with my family, to marry and to start a family of my own. I am stuck in the memories my past glories.
This frustrates S very much. He said, "I used to compete with your work while you were still working and now I have to complete with the memories of work. It seems never ending."
It is a such struggle to surrender my Isaac. The fact that "going back to work" gives me hope of an exciting life again is already a very bad sign.
The word today moved me because it told me to hold on to God's promise. It reminded me that I am on the right track. I must surrender my desires for my Isaac and wait patiently but with anticipation for God to keep his promise.
God will provide for me. He will make me a happy wife and a happy mother.
Still on Pause,
Note: Sorry for being emo. I think my period is coming. I can't seem to stop crying these days.