As I enter my 32nd week, my fears are back in full swing. I have thought about everything that can go wrong and I have no way of preventing the possible scenarios.
Up to this point, I have eaten healthy, given up alcohol and coffee, avoided all OTC medicines on flu, pain and cough, slept well, rested and exercised. In short, I've done everything that I could to keep this child safe in my womb.
But I now have many fears. Perhaps, it's because of my life stage. I have heard so many stories and read so many articles that I can't help but imagine that those could happen to me too. I want to shake off the feeling so I try to stay as positive as I can.
My mother-in-law brushed me off by saying that her other nieces didn't have these fears. My husband said, "Well, maybe they just didn't tell you."
She is more concerned about their relatives and friends visiting me. I told my MIL that according to the rules of Chinese Confinement, the period of 30 days is considered as my quarantine period. I shouldn't be entertaining guests because my immune system is weak and my body is recuperating. My mother-in-law is worried that their relatives will think I am a snob.
The opinion of others is the last thing on my mind. I have many fears and the approval of people I don't know, is not one of them.
I'm scared to have a Baby Shower. I don't want to tempt fate. I just want to celebrate every moment now until the day I give birth.
I want to just enjoy my life with my husband. I want to laugh. I want to sleep. I want to celebrate myself and the fact that I am alive and blessed.
I am not sure what lies ahead.
2 of my friends died during child birth. Several friends had complication. There are so many variables now.
I don't even understand why my MIL is more concerned about visitors. It is the last thing on my mind. I know she will never understand what I am going through because she is not my mother and she doesn't really know how I think and process things. I won't even attempt to change her views.
I know that my fears are not baseless. BUT, I also know that they are out of my control and I'd be crazy if I allow my fears to ruin my life.
Tonight, I declare that I give them all up to the Lord. Only the Lord can comfort me and only He can help me.
Lord, I surrender all my fears to you.
Please give me a healthy child, a child free from all forms of diseases. A child that can protect herself, take care of herself, help others and give glory to your name. Please give me a child who can see, hear, speak, play, run and go places. Please give me a child with a good mind and good heart. Give my child everything she needs to survive in this world. The world is tough and I will not always be around to protect her.
Lord I am confident that I will see your goodness in the land of the living.
L
Praying with you, L. Your fears are not baseless, we are all wired differently. Like you, my fears are out of control too, but I am dealing with them, processing and asking God also to take them away and replace it with less paralyzing thoughts. I have learned past week that our mind is designed to protect us and in that course it gives off negative, non supporting thoughts which leads us to magnified fears. It works against us if that happens. At least now I am aware, I don't have all the answers and this is as much as I can share now. -K
ReplyDeleteThanks K!
DeleteI know myself well. I know that if I have fears, the best thing to do is to distract the mind by being thankful for the "now" and lifting up the "uncertain future" to The Lord. Wala na rin ako magagawa
Not to add to your fears ah... but I'm not a paranoid person yet just before I gave birth, I made a list of all our financial accounts (account #s, institutions, account names), made sure all life insurance documents are in order, the titles to the house and cars are in the safe and that he knows that combination. I also made sure that hubby and I are in agreement of what he will do (he will move to CA to be near my sister or move back home to the Philippines so he can be near family) in case something happens to me.
ReplyDeleteHe thought I was being hormonal and humored me. It wasn't until a couple of years later when a friend's cousin passed away a day after giving birth (the entire pregnancy & birth were w/o complications) that it dawned on him that things like these still happen now and in this age. Na maski modern technologies and having the best medical care may not always be enough.
I don't blame you for being fearful but the good thing is, it's obvious that you have great faith in the Lord as well, that faith will carry you through.
As for your MIL, you know naman how Tsinoys typically are - very important yung appearances and how things would look to other people. From the engagement and the wedding where all things / gifts / jewelry and cash exchanged are eyed critically. I suggest that if you really want to stay secluded during your confinement, talk to your husband and see if he can step in and argue for it. Baka pwedeng lumabas na idea nya or he wants it too. It's better that he have this discussion with his parents because if he becomes a "snob" or "maarte", they can forgive him pero kung ikaw yun, mas mahirap makalimutan.
Sa totoo lang, hindi lang ikaw yung consideration. Impt rin ang health ni baby because at that age, hindi pa pwede mag medications yan pag nagpasakit. Wala pa ring immunizations. Ang dami kayang sakit na kumakalat! Oh, and here's a plan, would it work if you use safeguarding the baby's health as an excuse ? Baka mas mag work kasi apo nila yan eh. =)
That's a good idea about listing all the financial stuff. I was planning to make a will pero I was worried I'll be laughed at and called crazy. Well, 2 of my friends died... It really is a possibility. And honestly, it seems like a very noble way to die. Call me morbid, but I don't really mind. The way I see it, I lived a good life.
DeleteI guess dito na pumapasok, ang benefit of change status and change name. Because my husband is currently not my beneficiary according to the law. I will have to call our family lawyer.
Anyway, I understand the sentiments of most tsinoys and honestly, it's really something I need to adjust to. That's why this blog is anonymous. My MIL came across it one time and was worried my husband's relatives will read about our very occasional marital problems.
I already decided to put the baby in the nursery, no more rooming in, para visit all they can pero they asked what if the guests will go to the room and want to see me pa. Parang it will look bad daw na direcho sa nursery and hindi ko entertain.
I don't understand why his relatives/family friends want to see me...eh Hindi ko naman sila kilala. What will we talk about? I mean, I get it if husband ko ung nanganak...but I'm the patient and I really don't see these people except during parties.
In any case, my husband talked to his parents. But I also wrote a letter...a very polite yet honest. Thankfully, they understood.
you've got mail -K :)
ReplyDelete