My Husband Needs Respect

I know of a lady, who implicitly told people that her husband is weak. She shared that she wanted to move out of her inlaw's house but her husband could not tell his parents. He also couldn't afford to buy a house on his own. She also told her friends that the allowance she was getting was not enough. Thankfully, she was receiving assistance from her dad. Candidly, she shared a story about that time when her father-in-law told a joke which she found offensive. She added that her husband didn't say anything to redeem her.

Her words portrayed him as a man who had no voice in his parent's house. And she shared her frustrations with anyone who wanted to listen...

I've only had coffee/drinks with her 3x in my life but somehow that was enough for me to have an impression that her husband doesn't seem to have balls. And I don't even know the guy! But in the same respect that we have opinions when we read a novel, the same is true when we listen to other people's story.

I learned the hard way that disrespect can emasculate a man. A man who has been emasculated is no longer capable to love.

Allow me to share a mistake I made with my ex.  My ex was relocated to another country, where he was leading a team for the first time in his career. He didn't have time to talk to me and I felt unloved. Instead of showing my real feelings, I responded in anger. I remembered saying this...

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"I don't understand why you make it seem that your job is so hard. You are only reporting to the director. I am reporting to the VP and yet I have time for you".

Ouch. Suffice it is to say...HE DUMPED ME a few months later.

Trust me when I share that I have learned my lessons the hard way. However, even if I am fully aware that I need to give unconditional respect to my husband, I still occasionally struggle with it. It's  especially hard when we are talking about business or anything related to my field of expertise.

A couple of weeks ago, I pointed out that S was wrong. Then I went into a marketing lecture. I could feel him getting agitated. The marketing lecture, which started with very good intentions, ended in a fight.

When the storm passed, S opened up that what I said and more importantly HOW I said it made him question his capability to lead and to provide for me. He wants me to believe in him. He wants me to be his cheerleader and not his coach.

I was humbled by the sincerity of my husband.

If there is one thing I really admire from my husband, it is his desire to work and achieve. S works hard. He is ambitious. I fuel this ambition and I feel it my duty to equip him with knowledge. So it frustrates me when he thinks I am against him. I realize that while my intent is good, the way I deliver it must change.

I am a work in progress and I wish to share my journey with brides and other wives. This book is one of my teachers. I urge  couples to get a copy of this book written by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

Here are some things I learned from this book. I know Josette will be very happy to read this post.

DONT's

1. DON'T openly share,with just about everyone, the inadequacies of your husband.
If you must share choose 1-2 confidants who are mature enough to counsel you.

2. DON'T compare him to others 

Related to #1

I have talked with girls who told me, "I wish my bf is like S. I wish he has the same drive as S".

Or some girls wish, "Hay sana he is more like my dad. My dad is such a good provider" 

Nako, I hope a guy never gets to hear these kinds of remarks.

You know, even if you don't tell him, he can feel it when you think he is not good enough.

S is not perfect. Anu beh. Ofcourse I also wish he is like Lucio Tan or Henry Sy.

I don't complain. The grass is always greener in Greenbelt.  Charot.

2. DON'T assume authority unless he says you take the lead.
Start as early as wedding planning. Let your husband set the budget and play a key role in the planning.
It's not cool to see a "sunod-sunuran" groom.

3. DON'T passively complain if he can not provide you what you really want.
For instance, if you want an expensive bag and he can't buy one, don't say, "Okay nalang kahit cheap at fake na lang".
He wants to give you the best so don't be too explicit in telling him that you are willing to settle.
Instead say, "I don't need a bag now."

4. DON'T disagree with him in public
I am ALWAYS guilty of this.   One time, I disagreed with S in-front of his sister when we were in a meeting.
To make matters worst, she sided with me!
This made S feel that we were both ganging up on him. He felt defeated even if he is the boss!

DOs

1. DO appreciate him
After reading the chapter on appreciation, I wrote S a message.
"Thank you for working so hard so that I can stay at home. I appreciate that I don't need to work. Thank you for giving me the chance to rest after 11 years of stress."


2. Do praise him
Praise him in private.

Praise him in public.

Chinese parents are notorious for publicly putting down their kids. They want to be humble. But the effect of this is negative.

So I try to break away from this mold.

3.  DO seek his advice
S once told me that it offended him when I only make a decision after talking to my GBF, Mico.


4. Do give him 100% attention when he is talking about his successes for that day
And with that note, I will give my ipad away.
Who wants?



Work in Progress,

L