No Visitors Allowed

I gave birth quite unexpectedly. My water broke around 2 in the morning. So after hours of being in painful labor, I was tired.

I didn't want to entertain visitors in the hospital. It was a good thing that I had a prior discussion with my mother-in-law that I do not want their friends and relatives to visit me. At first, she didn't really like my decision but I explained it to her through a letter and she understood.

When I came to live with my in-laws,  I was also clear that I don't want visitors for myself or for the baby, atleast for the next 6 weeks.

The pediatrician also said that visitors should be limited since the baby's immune system is still not strong enough. Only 2 visitors can enter the room and they should wear masks and wash their hands. The doctor gave these orders.

Only one group managed to enter the baby's room without me being given prior notice and without my consent. After that my husband told his parents that no visitors are permitted until we are informed and we are comfortable enough to expose the baby.

My friends also want to visit me but to set a good example to my in-laws,  I told them that I can only entertain them towards to the end of May.  I think it is only fair that if I won't entertain visitors from my husband's side, then I shouldn't show any bias towards my side.

Some women, want visitors. Some women, want to be alone after child birth. I am one of those women who wish to be alone. 

I am an introvert and entertaining people, especially those I do not know, drains me. 

Don't get me wrong, I am very entertaining. People find it very hard to believe that I am an introvert.

On top of that, I do get episodes of Post Partum Depression. It's tiring to hide that feeling and feign a smile for guests.

I think that hard thing about living with in-laws is that I always have to explain myself why I don't want things done a certain way. 

It's quite hard for me to explain to my MIL that I have OCD. She worries the moment she hears "Post-Partum Depression". So, I just keep my feelings to myself. She is not my mother, so I don't think she will understand.

My mother-in-law is taking care of me very well. She cooks my meals and boils the herbs for my O Tso Tong Sim. One of my sister-in-law even researched on cold and hot food so that they can diversify my menu. They really try their best to make me comfortable in their home. 

I appreciate them very much.

I guess, they just find it hard to adjust to the fact that I wish to be alone...most of the time.

 There are days I am talkative and there are days that I just want to stay in a dark room.

I have invisible walls which I build and tear down anytime I feel like it.

I'm a bundle of contradictions. I am fun yet sad. I am brave yet scared. I am loving yet vindictive. I am kind yet selfish. People who don't talk to me often will find it very hard to understand me.

The thing with Chinese parents is...they find it hard to ask "exploratory" questions. Most sentences are declarative rather than interrogative. Obedience is a Confucian value afterall.

I'm actually enjoying my confinement. For the last 20 days, I have been staying alone in my room. I only see my husband, the baby, the nanny and occasionally, my mother-in-law. Most of the time, I am alone with the baby.

Now, I'm alone in my room.  I have the sniffles...I will still breastfeed but I want to minimize exposure of the baby to what seems to be my imminent flu.

In silence,

L