Since I have been having contractions as early as my 34th week, which increased in intensity on my 35th, I have been taking meds to relax my uterus. The goal is to minimize contractions until I reach 36 weeks+6 days.
On the 37th week, I will know if I can still delivery via vaginal birth or c-section. At the end of the day, it really depends if my cervix dilates up to 10cm and if my baby remains relaxed during contractions. Any stress to the baby will prompt the doctor to do c-section.
While C-section may take longer to heal, I have to tell myself to be less selfish and choose what's best for this child. As it is now, I'm creating a hostile environment for her. My contractions, which are not causing me any discomfort, are causing her some stress. But she's such a fighter. I can feel her kick and move right after each contraction.
With one week more to go, I can't help but feel nervous. I never had cold feet before my wedding. It was just one big party for people I didn't know. I've done bigger events and my wedding was just one of them.
But being a mom is different. This job is forever.
...And "forever" as a concept is daunting for someone, who always has an exit plan in place.
I'm nervous too see my daughter for the first time. Will she be ok? Will she be healthy? Will I love her to the point of self-sacrifice? Will my life change for the better?
I have so many questions.
There are days that I feel that I conceived because my husband wanted a baby and I was challenged because I have infertility issues. I feel that when we started our journey to conceive, I was so focused on the challenge that I failed to assess the lifetime task of being a mom.
Honestly, I'm scared of change and I'm scared to love so much.
After I give birth, I will temporarily moved in with my in-laws. My husband said, they will be hiring a nurse and a midwife for me.
The thought of living my my husband's parents, 2 sisters and helpers is stressful for me. I have never lived with a family for 13 years now. I don't like seeing a lot of people around me. I don't even go out with them that often under normal circumstances.
I know it's temporary...
...But everything will happen at the same time.
The first 3 months of being a new mom is always the hardest...add in adjusting with people I'm not close with...I'll be surprised if I don't get post partum depression.
Gosh.... One more week.
I feel overwhelmed with a slew of emotions.