Monday, 4 April 2016

One More Week

I'm on my 36th week. By Monday, next week, I will be officially considered full-term.

Since I have been having contractions as early as my 34th week, which increased in intensity on my 35th, I have been taking meds to relax my uterus. The goal is to minimize contractions until I reach 36 weeks+6 days.

On the 37th week, I will know if I can still delivery via vaginal birth or c-section. At the end of the day, it really depends if my cervix dilates up to 10cm and if my baby remains relaxed during contractions. Any stress to the baby will prompt the doctor to do c-section.

While C-section may take longer to heal, I have to tell myself to be less selfish and choose what's best for this child. As it is now, I'm creating a hostile environment for her.  My contractions, which are not causing me any discomfort, are causing her some stress. But she's such a fighter.  I can feel her kick and move right after each contraction.

With one week more to go, I can't help but feel nervous. I never had cold feet before my wedding. It was just one big party for people I didn't know. I've done bigger events and my wedding was just one of them.

But being a mom is different. This job is forever. 

...And "forever" as a concept is daunting for someone, who always has an exit plan in place.

I'm nervous too see my daughter for the first time. Will she be ok? Will she be healthy? Will I love her to the point of self-sacrifice? Will my life change for the better?

I have so many questions.

There are days that I feel that I conceived because my husband wanted a baby and I was challenged because I have infertility issues. I feel that when we started our journey to conceive, I was so focused on the challenge that I failed to assess the lifetime task of being a mom.

Honestly, I'm scared of change and I'm scared to love so much.

After I give birth, I will temporarily moved in with my in-laws. My husband said, they will be hiring a nurse and a midwife for me. 

The thought of living my my husband's parents, 2 sisters and helpers is stressful for me. I have never lived with a family for 13 years now. I don't like seeing a lot of people around me. I don't even go out with them that often under normal circumstances.

I know it's temporary...

...But everything will happen at the same time.

 The first 3 months of being a new mom is always the hardest...add in adjusting with people I'm not close with...I'll be surprised if I don't get post partum depression.

Gosh.... One more week.

I feel overwhelmed with a slew of emotions. 



  1. I understand your situation. A lot of things will change all at the same time. But I've realized that they were all for the better. Granted I was scared, angry, clueless for a couple of days but I realized that I was fortunate enough to or have been given a chance to give birth and love someone unconditionally. Something that so many women don't ga e the opportunity to have. I was lucky also to have the support of my husband and his family.

    Speaking of, based on your entries, it seems that your husband has never left your side throughout this journey of yours. You're lucky. My husband was away every now and then because of the nature of his job. He's a pilot for a major airline. But whenever he was in the country, he would make it a point to accompany me to my doctor's appointments.

    One tip. I know you're going through a lot. It's expected of any mom to be. But don't forget that there's two of you in this journey. Your husband is also part of it. He may not go through the same changes that you are but I'm sure he is trying his best to empathize with you.

    It was my husband's greatest frustration that he couldn't be with me all the time during my journey; that he couldn't take care of me and be there for me. But I knew that I was always in his thoughts.

    Share your fears with your husband. But don't forget that he has fears also. He may not verbalize it for the reason that he doesn't want to add to whatever you are feeling. He may act all ok and strong and take charge of things for you whenever he can. But I'm sure deep inside he is scared as well.

    While we were pregnant, I remember my husband apologizing to me for not being able to lessen whatever difficulties I was feeling. He broke down. Literally. He told me that he's scared, just like me of the kind of parent he will be. That he is not as strong as he puts himself out there to be. So he makes up for it by taking good care of me whenever he can; prepare food for me, tuck me in. Literally be on my beck and call. But according to him, this isn't enough.

    That's when I realized that my unconditional love, should and goes beyond my kids; it includes my husband. The way he took care of me and the way he broke down showed me that he does love me and our family. That he is willing to do whatever he can for us.

    I count myself lucky to have been given a husband who is so caring and loving, and to be given the chance to carry the greatest gift.

    Actually, My kids showed me what unconditional love is. Something that my husband has always been showing but I never truly understood until I had a child. It may not make sense but that's the reality. At least for me.

    I wish you joy and unconditional happiness and love for this journey that you and your husband are about to undertake. Remember, what you're feeling, your husband is feeling as well, if not more. His lack of literally feeling what you are going through doesn't mean he doesn't care, and love you or have the same fears as you do.

    God is good all the time. All the time God is good.

    God bless

    1. I don't know who you are because you signed in as anonymous but I want to say thank you for your words. I cried when I read your note.

      I've been scared silly since I woke up today. The thought that I only have a week left petrifieds me. I don't think I'm rational anymore.

      I have so many fears...but mostly I'm scared to love someone so much.

      Thank you for reminding me about my husband. I have been feeling resentful recently that he is not going through the changes I am going through. When the doctor told me about my potential c-section, that resentment grew even more because I will be sliced open while he remains fully intact.

      My husband has never left my side. He has never missed a doctor's appointment. In fact, he went to the doctor several times without me.

      One time he thought he lost his iPad. My husband never forgets stuff. But last week, the trips to the hospital finally affected him. I understand that it's emotionally tiring to "keep it together" for the two of us. He's the only sane one now. On top of taking care of me, he has to take care of his business and even our house.

      We prayed for this child and The Lord granted the desires of our heart. But my fears are making me entertain all sorts of thoughts.

      It's such a daunting task to take care of another life. I hope I'll be good a mom.

  2. I’m one of your avid readers. If you remember my comment a few months ago, I’m the wife who lost her husband in an accident. I too had the same thoughts and fears as you did. I had them as early as I saw those two lines on the stick. I was scared of being forever a mom and a parent. I had no clue on how to become one. And yes, it freaked me out that I will forever be responsible for a life other than mine. But I realized that I have been responsible for a life other than mine before getting pregnant. I was responsible for my husband’s life. The concept of forever, the idea of being a mom gave me chills ant sleepless nights, I must admit. But in light of what happened to me, I realized that my concept of forever was nothing compared to the forever of being a widow. I still count myself lucky though. Yes, lucky. When my husband was still alive, I would always tell him that he is lucky that I’m able to give him a child. But I’m the lucky one because it is him who gave me a child, the greatest gift that he has ever given me. I get to see my husband in my child every day.

    Don’t be scared of forever, because sometimes it’s the forever that we need to help us realize how fortunate we are.

    Please kiss your husband every chance you get.

    Congratulations L. I wish you all the love in the world. And I look forward to reading more about this exciting journey you and your husband is bound to undertake.

    1. Thank you very much. Yes I remember you story. And I'm happy that despite of what happened you are happy with your child.

      I want to hear happy endings despite the sad circumstances.

      For instance, I'm so happy to see that Camille Prats is now engaged.

      I don't deal with my emotions very well. I shut down when I'm scared.

      I've always tried to be alone because I'm scared of losing the people I love. I suppose it has always been my defense mechanism to distance myself when I'm scared.

      My brother dropped by today. I told him all these. He said, "I'm sure the moment you see your baby, you'll feel differently"

  3. You are so lucky that you can afford to get a nurse to take care of you! I’m a Pinoy here in New Jersey. I work as a secretary in an importing company and I tell you that the pay isn’t good, contrary to what my relatives back in Pinas think. When I gave birth, I had to put my hospital bills on multiple credit cards. My son is now 2 years old and I’m still paying off my bills. But it was all worth it.

    1. I look forward to saying the same thing... that "it was all worth it".

      I have stopped planning or thinking in general.

      I'm on auto pilot mode now.

      My husband and his family are fixing the two rooms that we will move into. They're the ones looking for help.

      Thanks for reminding me that I'm blessed. Fear has really clouded my judgement now.

      I'm happy to hear that your son is making you very happy. I wish for the same happiness!

  4. Life is Beautiful5 April 2016 at 15:01

    Hi L,

    I can't relate to what it feels to have a husband during pregnancy. Im a single mom. But im still lucky to have my mom and my grandmom beside me. My mom was with me during my journey, and still up to now. Natakot din ako na magkakaron na ako ng baby. Pero I had to deal with it, no turning back. Its good to have a support from the people we love, from our family. They will guide us.

    1. That's very good to know. I look forward to hearing your story too

  5. Hi L,

    Naku mixed ang story ng buhay ko. pang drama special na pang action na parang ewan. If you have time, you can read my blog, Bago pa lang ako gumawa ng blog. Actually na inspire ako sayo. Kasi yung mga bagay na hindi natin masabi sa iba, pwde sa blog.

    1. I read your blog just now. You have a colorful life and a very positive outlook. Continue blogging, it's really a good way to process your emotions.