In the words of my best friend MICO, "THERE IS NONE. All break ups are painful regardless of how you end it."
When my ex dumped me, he just sent me an email. Just 2 sentences for the 6 years we were together. It was painful when I read the "telegram". I swear I had a nervous attack! It was quick but not pain-free. Death by Guillotine. But despite months of crying and agony, you can see that I am happy now.
When my friend and her fiancé broke off their engagement because the guy realized that he was not ready, they remained friends for a couple of months. Then eventually resentment crept it. After a few more months, anger and pain joined the party. It took longer for her to heal but my friend is very happy now.
Another friend, got pregnant by a married man. His wife caught them. He disappeared and she never heard from him again. Imagine what it must have felt...to be pregnant, abandoned and alone. Then last December, she gave birth and when she saw her son...she felt pure and sheer happiness.
Recently, a man lost his wife because she died of cancer. No fights. They were happy. But things ended nevertheless. Now he is grieving, but I am sure he will be happy again in God's perfect time.
A couple of nights ago, my cousin told me that her husband's affair got even more serious. They were together for more than 10 years and they have a baby girl. The marriage is now over. My cousin has to deal with the hardships of being a single mom. Separations are messy. You can't just cut ties. You have to constantly deal with each other and talk about visitation rights and support. It's tough now but soon she will be happy too.
There is no right way to break-up. There is no perfect script that contains guarantee pain-free words. Closure will not necessarily make it easier.
I once thought I needed closure. I demanded for one. All movies have endings why then can't I have one for that chapter of my life?
Mico said, "Your life is not a movie. If he talks to you and explain why he decided to break-up with you, chances are - you won't listen. You will just beg him to change his mind. It's over, L. Move on. With or without closure, MOVE ON".
Some of my girlfriends told me to pray and ask God that he would love me again. Others told me to write him letters. Two told me to just give up all control to God. One told me this...
GET UP. GET DRESSED. SHOW UP. TOMORROW, REPEAT. Soon, you'll be fine again.
I moved on by simply waking up, getting up, getting dressed and showing up to work or to a get-together. By the 3rd month, it felt just like a normal routine.
And my prayers were pretty simple. I just said, "Lord, I'm sure You have a plan, give me patience and strength to wait it out."
I wrote this post because I am affected with what is happening to my cousin. I wish her husband didn't do this to her. I feel the pain that he is putting her through. I have so many questions.
Why is he so selfish?
Why did he cheat even if they already have a daughter?
Doesn't he care for them at all?
Is 10 years nothing for him?
How can he just leave her for another woman?
Then as I hear myself vent, I realize that there is no right way for relationships to end anyway.
But there is a right way of dealing with a break up. It's nothing revolutionary. You don't need to go to India, Bali and Italy and have an EAT PRAY LOVE moment. It's pretty simple, slow but effective.
In the words of Aswaina Seroja...
" Get up, Get Dressed, Show up, Repeat Tomorrow."
painting by Ruth Batke