Love The One You Are With (not the people in facebook and instagram)

Social Media makes Anti-social people.

So my mom was telling us the story of how her dad, our guakong, left China and eventually lost touch with his family.

He came back to China again when he was 90 years old and told us that if he could find even just one relative, he would stay there.

He didn't find anyone.

Imagine if Facebook existed then. I'm sure my guakong would have gotten his chance to reconnect with his family when the revolution ended. That being said, Facebook definitely changed the world and I am forever grateful to Mark Zuckerberg.

However, with smart phones and androids, it seems that more people prefer to be tapping away than enjoying the company of the ones they are with.

Last week, I had some people over. It was quite annoying that even if I made such an effort to entertain, they were still on their phones.  Trust me when I say, I'm very good in entertaining.

They were tapping away while we were waiting for our food, snapping photos when the food arrived. I'm sure you can imagine what I mean.

News flash: Waiting for the food is part of the experience. In fact if you enjoy the pleasure of your date, you add more courses.  The waiting time in between courses is an opportunity to spend time with that person.

I told S, next time I am on my ipad, he should remind me to put it down. Sometimes, I may not be aware of it.

It is important that when you are out with someone, put your phones away. Look at the person straight in the eyes and listen intently, especially if  that person asked you out.

You need not talk. You can listen. You can nod or shake your head, laugh, sigh or whatever.

Seriously,  learn to enjoy and love the company of the person you are PHYSICALLY with. If you are on your phone, talking to other people--- it's really insulting. It's as if, you'd rather talk to that person rather than the one infront of you.

Still on Pause,

L

Day 107: Budgeting Guide for The Newly Married Couple

I'll make this a short post because I have a yoga class tomorrow morning.


Assumptions:
 50,000 nett income house hold
Only 2 people living in the house


Steps

1. Open 2 Accounts and NEVER mix
   A. Expense
   B. Savings



2. Upon receiving salary, deposit 20% to savings (ex: 50,000 salary=10,000 savings)
Note: If 2 people are working, make sure that EACH SPOUSE  deposits to the 2 accounts



3. Make Budget Expense Projection. Ideally constant from January-November.
December, by all means, go wild.

• Rent/Amortization- MUST NOT EXCEED 30% of Income
• Utilities
• Groceries
• Gas/Transpo
• Weekend Gimmicks
• Church Donations/Tithes/Charity 
• FAMILY OBLIGATION---- PLEASE INCLUDE IN MONTHLY EXPENSE                    
• (tip if you want you can open another account just for this. you can deposit even if they don't ask. Atleast when they do ask, and trust me, they will, you have something ready)

4. Set Aside a FUN FUND for the spouse not working/ Or a COMMON FUND if both are working


Example: 

Salary	50000
Savings	10000
Rent/Amortization	15000
Utilities	2,000
Groceries	7,000
Gas/Transpo	3,000
Weekends	4,000
Church/Donations	5,000
Family Obligation	2,000
Fun Fund	2,000

Comments:

1. Yes, you can have 2,000 pesos in utilities both elec and water, provided that you only have 2-3 hrs of aircon a night.

2. And yes 1,000 per weekend is possible. One Movie Night, 500 pesos and 1 Dinner for 2

3.  BEST TO LOWER RENT, ideally down to 20%


Now, I'm thinking...Imagine a 5 Pax HH with kids going to school and needing tuition and allowance.


So, are you ready to get married?

Still on Pause,

L

Day 104: Money in Marriage

Yesterday, S and I went to our second SATURDATES at CCF. One of our favorite couple, Edric and Joy Mendoza, talked about my favorite topic-FINANCES.

Edric is one of the anchors of ON THE MONEY, a show that aims to teach Filipinos how to better manage their finances.

In a country where money talk seems to be a cultural taboo, I believe this show is badly needed. I have seen too many friends who worked  abroad and were unable to save because they send all their money back home. They invested in their siblings and relatives in the hopes that in the future their generosity will be rewarded.

Unfortunately, people are risky investments. 

Last night my friend, Eleanor, told my mom that her inlaws are treating her badly because they felt that she took away their "breadwinner". She kept quiet for a long time but when she had a baby, it was as if her maternal instinct took over and she became braver.

Money is one of the sources of conflict between couples. Most couples are uncomfortable discussing it during the dating stage. Given issues such as the one experienced by Eleanor, Edric encouraged us to discuss the ff questions:

Day 100: 100 days, now what?

Today marks the 100th day since I retired from my job of 10 years. The whole point of this career break (or career encore) is to EAT, PRAY, LOVE as if there is no tomorrow. It is my time to be curious, to be lazy, to be fun and to be stupid. 

Yes, It is a luxury.

So, now I find myself brunching on a Wednesday. ON A WEDNESDAY! I love the idea! 

But please don't envy me. It's actually not as good as it seems. It's true what they say,"The grass is always greener on the other side".

Yesterday, I had another meltdown. I cried to S. I told him I miss having a job, having a team, having a voice and having a point of view that can impact the business.

S responded by telling me I have a huge job- Wedding Planning. Argghh! I told him that choosing the flowers is not the going to change the world.  This made him feel frustrated. He asked me, "Won't you ever be contented with being a wife and a mother?".

I kept quiet. In my silence, I remembered flying to Africa, Turkey,Thailand, Netherlands, Paris and.... MALAYSIA (one of the most stressful countries I worked for) . I could almost recall the concoction of stress, excitement and fear that came  with every big meeting. 

I miss it. I miss the  busy airports. I miss cramming for my presentation. I miss debating. I miss brainstorming with other people.  I miss everything.

I don't want to go to another country to have fun and to shop. Shopping?! I hate it!  When I land,I want to go to straight to a workshop or a meeting. Why? Because I am insecure and work makes me feel significant.

S asked me if it's traveling that I miss. He asked, "Aren't we going away again this July? And it's for  business, right?".

I nodded like a 5 year old. Then I told him that it's not the same. It's not going to be a big meeting. 

He just couldn't understand how one person can be so addicted to stress and yet complain so much about it. 

The strange thing is, I know that in corporate, you are only as good as your last amazing project. The moment you slow down, the moment you get a less stellar project, you start looking like a super model gaining tons and tons of weight. Next thing you know, a younger person becomes your boss. You should take this as a sign for you to take a bow.

I never reached that point of disillusionment. I quit while I was ahead. My momma told me to target a graceful exit. But the problem with walking away from a great relationship is that you will always be thinking of the one the got away. 

My dad sent me a book to help me accept my new life.

But dammit, my soul is not opening up. It's regressing!

S is not forcing me not to work. I suppose he has given up in convincing me otherwise. I still baffle him most of the time. "Shall I ever be tamed?", he asks.

 Many people say that my world will change the moment I get children. What if I don't? I haven't taken my ovaries for a test drive.

Trust me, I also dream of being one of those Ladies Who Lunch. 

But my soul is itching to do something meaningful. And yet, I have no clue what she (my soul) wants. 

So yes, 100 days. What have I achieved? Nothing?

On the contrary, I have awakened my consciousness. I finally felt that desire to start my search.  

When I was working, the only desire I felt was the desire to sleep.  

Now, I have a desire to seek for my purpose. I want to wake up and do something that makes a difference. I'm not targeting big things. I'd settle for making a person happy. Being someone's muse is a purpose too, right?

An awakened soul is not an enlightened soul but it's good enough.

Still On Pause,

L

Note: S read this and sent me this message "You have a purpose. you’re my life partner. both in and out of the house."

Day 97: ARE YOU A CATCH??

We have been attending a couple of wedding seminars during these past few months in preparation for our marriage.

Most brides worry about the WEDDING DAY, I worry about the DAY AFTER (ie the Marriage itself).  Interestingly enough, I seem to share the same concerns with the men in our sharing group.

I've been checking and double checking if I'm ready for this.

      "Will I be a good wife?"

          "Will I be a good mother?"

                "What are the types of problem will we encounter in the future?"

While I was reading, I came across a line in the book  that made me ask myself "AM I A CATCH?"

We usually ask ourselves if we have chosen the right person.  Yet, we rarely ask ourselves if WE ARE THE ONE FOR THE PERSON WE ARE WITH.

So back to my question, "Am I a catch?"

There's really no way of answering this without some level of vanity. Darn! 

Here are my top 10 good points:

1.  I can cook

2.  I can bake

3.  I clean the house for fun! I love cleaning. 

4.  I can do the laundry (by hand) and iron clothes

5.  I am very good in budgeting

6.  I come from a good family with a respectable reputation

7.  I am very hardworking

8.   I am respectful to my elders and my inlaws

9.   I have learned HARD AND PAINFUL lessons in life that have made me humble, empathetic,   

      compassionate and thoughtful. 

10. I am God fearing 

Am I perfect?  Haller! Unless I learn how to speak chinese and how to control my temper, I will always be far from being a catch.

 I am a work in progress. I make mistakes everyday and everyday is an opportunity to be better.

I suggest you also take some time to list down your top 10 good points. I actually felt good about myself after doing this. I felt a little less scared and a little less insecure.

Still on Pause,

L

TING HUN: What the Bride Needs to Prepare

These gifts are otherwise known as the RETURN GIFTS. These gifts signify that the family of the bride acknowledges the engagement and in turn pledges her to the groom.

In the olden days, these gifts were sent back to the groom's hometown. The exchange of gifts didn't happen on the same day and on the same venue.

Here are the items we prepared for my Ting Hun.

1. Watch and Medallion with Necklace

2. 2 kilos of Rice
I chose Red and Brown Rice because my in-laws eat healthy.

3. 4 Pomelos
 (fun facts: Do you know that on the day of the wedding, the bride must ideally bathed with pomelo infused water)

and the list goes on...

Day 93: Kai Shao

Many automatically associate Kai Shao with Arranged Marriages.  This is so wrong!  Kai Shao literally means Introduction. It is nothing more than a set-up or a "Reto".

Perhaps, the only difference is people who initiate the Kai Shao have looked into your family background. Afterall, in Chinese culture,"Saving Face" is very important.

We don't want to introduce someone with a questionable profile because we will be blamed if something goes wrong with the match and we will "lose face". 

Thanks to Facebook and Instagram, Kai Shao(s) are not so scary anymore. You can now check or even talk to your potential mate and eliminate any prospect of negative surprises.

When I was working in a big company, I used to think that only desperate guys would agree to meet people this way. I wondered why can't they just go out more or go to church or attend some orgs. 

But the more I mingled with other Fil-Chi, the more I realized that it is not that easy to meet other people. 

Most Fil-Chi kids work for the family business. They spend more time with their employees than socializing with people their age.  Some of them are also not into the party scene.

No one is ever forced into Kai Shao. No one will physically drag you to meet your date. And no one can force you to text someone!

Here's how it works:

1. Aunties (it's usually some aunty) or a relative will approach you or your parents to ask if you are      interested to meet a boy/girl.

 Note:  A friend can also approach you directly.

2. They describe the potential target and give a detailed family and/or financial background.

3.  You agree on a date and place. (Then you do your own share of checking)

4.  Traditionally, you meet your date with the person who introduced the two of you.

Note:  It's always better if you go by yourselves. I tell you, it's so stressful to wait for the 2 to develop chemistry right before your eyes!

5. If you like your date,  you correspond thru all forms of communication.

If you don't just politely say, "It was nice to meet you. Thanks for coffee/dinner etc"

6. Hopefully, he/she likes you back.

7. Lastly, be prepared to answer follow up questions from family and friends.

Easy Peasy!

So, don't ever think that this is  a forced or arranged marriage. This is just like any other date set-up.

I was lucky, I only met 3 people thru Kai Shao.

I will marrying this coming July  the first one I met. 

My only advise to those who are looking, take it easy and have fun.

Still on Pause,

L

Day 92: Balik Gulay

Happy Monday! 

This week I celebrate BALIK GULAY! I am improving my immune system  by eating fruits and veggies and by sleeping well. 

I read in my book that "LIVE FOODS" are those that are created through natural interaction with the sun, soil, air and water. According to Robin Sharma, this is the diet that nature intended. This is called the sattvic or pure diet.

Knorr makes eating veggies so easy! Just boil water, dissolve bouillon,  add veggies and done!

Ofcourse, I'm still not ready to give up meat entirely. Breakfast will be smoothies and dinners will be soups, with rice ofcourse!  Lunch will be normal.

I'm excited to see what will happen if I do this for a week or two!

As you can see, I am all set! Wish me luck!

Still on Pause,

L

Day 90: THE FIRST 90 DAYS

The first 90 days in a new organization or a new job is crucial. After 90 days, one should have settled in and have formed a strategy.

Here's my score card

1. SLEEP 

Score: 5/5

L has managed to sleep 7-8 hrs everyday for the last 90 days. 

She seems to enjoy waking up every morning and is no longer experiencing sleepless nights during Sundays

2. Diet and Health

Score:  4/5

Due to freed up hours, L has started blending and consuming fruits.

Her immune system has improved. She rarely gets the flu. 

She has reduced intake of anti-histamines.

3. Wedding Planning

Score: 4/5

L shows accountability and has high level of bias for action with regards to wedding tasks.

She has shown positive outlook and has significantly improved team work with her fiancé.

She has also shown great initiative through active search and participation in church related seminars.

4. Travels

Score 5/5

This is L's expertise. She researched and planned the trip to Spain, Netherlands and France. 

Debates during travels were significantly reduced because they have opted for "80% agreement, 100% commitment" rule  in decision making.

L also went to her hometown and spent time with her family for a record breaking 2 weeks.

THE STORY ON WHY WE HAVE TING HUN

Ting Hun is the traditional Chinese form of betrothal. It is a formal announcement and celebration of the engagement. In other countries, this ritual is called GUO DA LI. 

Traditionally, the groom's family presented gifts, jewelries and other items to acknowledge the effort of bride's parent in raising her. By accepting the gifts, the bride's family pledged her to the groom. The gifts in the ting hun stood for the assurances from the groom's family that they could provide for the bride.

During olden days, the value of the betrothal gifts determined the financial stability of the groom's family.

Nowadays, the reasons for doing Ting Huns vary per family.

The items given depend on the couple's dialect group and the demands of the parents. So the Hokkien group will have different items compared to the Cantonese, the Teo Chew or the Hakka.

But there are common items shared across the different groups:
Red Packets

Noodles for Longevity

Fruits

Cakes

Pork ( Roast for the Cantonese, canned pork legs for the Hokkien)

Jewelries 

Here are the links to the items given here in the Philippines:

Ting Hun Items Prepared by the Groom
Ting Hun Items Prepared by the Bride