FIGHTING 101: From Love Letters To Mad Letters

Feeling ko close na tayo. JOKES! 

On a more serious note,  I want to share something personal. My relationship with my husband is not perfect. I'm not perfect and neither is he. We are both the eldest in our respective families. We are both very strong willed, driven and opinionated.  We are so similar in so many ways... from our hobbies to our tempers.

After 8 months of marriage, we have somehow adjusted and refined the way we fight. In the first few months, it was fairly easy to snap. Now, we  have both learned that losing our tempers leads to nowhere good...only tears and resentments,

Last night, S got upset with me. I was so busy talking to friends in Facebook. He hates this especially when we are already in bed. He is a busy man and this is the only time he gets to talk to me.

However that night, instead of insulting or confronting me, he went out of the room and sent me this message via viber. I'm copy pasting it so because I feel this is helpful for new couples...

L

I'm trying to be as patient as I can be with you but I guess I have to tell you this now. 

I'm offended when I talk and you don't listen to me. 

When you speak and when I'm doing something else or texting, you say " Let me know when you are done." in a condescending manner. 

And since then to prevent such from happening, when you are talking, I make it a point to put down my phone, and look at you when you talk. Or when I'm on the phone because of sometbing important, I make it a point to tell you, "I'm listening."

But I've noticed that I am not accorded the same level of attention. I've noticed that when I talk or say something, most of the time you either aren't listening because you're chatting with somebody else or you're doing something else. You don't even look at me when I'm talking. And when I do get your attention, you would either be mad for getting your attention (which leads me to losing my gana to continue what I was saying), having to repeat what I said, or just completely stop saying what I wanted to say. 

It's been happening more and more frequently.

You ask why I'm short with you. Perhaps it's because when I'm talking you don't listen. Or if you do, I don't have your 100% attention. Hence my patience gets consumed. 

A while ago when I asked if you needed your entire bag or just your phone, you immediately assumed that I didn't want to get up. That was unfair. 

I want to be alone for now. I'm not mad. I'm not angry. I just need to think. 

S

You know when I got this message, I felt really guilty. In the past, when he would raise his voice, I would raise my defenses up too. 

Human beings are built with instinctual response to danger. It's only a toss between FIGHT or FLIGHT. 

But S' approach wasn't very combative so I wasn't threatened at all. With my defenses down, it was very easy for me to realize what I did wrong. I stopped chatting in FB and apologized.

I do not dream of a no-fight relationship. Truth be told, fighting occasionally serves as good foreplay. Wink*wink*  I am happy that we are adjusting and we are learning how to fight in a mature way.  Most important of all...I am proud that my husband is able to articulate what he feels.  

Fight Fairly Lovers!

Humbled,

L