FILIPINO-CHINESE RELATIONSHIPS: POSSIBLE?

When I started this blog, my only goal was to document the simple things that I'd do while I was on PAUSE, on sabbatical, on a break or however you'd wish to call it.

I wrote about my ting hun, my ke tseng, my wedding, my home and my marriage. I just wanted to write so that I'd feel that my life was fruitful even if It wasn't as busy as it used to be.

But then, I wrote an entry that pulled me out of my obscurity. I never really expected it.  Once my readership went up, I felt more energized to write even if I was no longer on pause. Notice that I stopped signing off with "Still On Pause" at some point.

When my blog was copied, I honestly felt very bad. It is as if someone stole my underwear and raised it up on the flag pole. 

I still feel bad but I can't seem to do anything. Maybe I should take an indefinite break. I don't know if I'll be back tomorrow, next month or move to a new URL. 

In gratitude for reading my blog, I just wanted to repost the entry that gave me my 5 mins of fame. Seems like the right way to end things. Always end on a good note. Right?  

Keep in touch!  I'm sure I'll cheer up and  write again. 

FILIPINO-CHINESE RELATIONSHIPS: POSSIBLE?

The topic of race is sensitive. 

Even until now, a number of Fil-Chi (Filipino with Chinese Ancestry/ Tsinoys/Chinoy)  parents still frown upon the idea of their children being relationships with Filipinos.

A "merienda" with an old friend reminded me of the prevalence of this discrimination.

It started when I asked him if will be getting an invitation for his engagement/ TINGHUN any time soon. He paused for a while,then he said..."Malabo pa.."

My heart sank. It has been 10 years and no one has come close to his ex-girlfriend, a pure Filipina.

When I met this friend, he then just recently broke up with his Filipina girlfriend of 7 years. In that 7 years, he never introduced her to his mom and the rest of his extended family. 

He ended it when he was called upon to take over the family business. He is the eldest and the only boy, just like my S.

He left his corporate work. He left his Filipina girlfriend. And He finally agreed to be "KAI- SHAO-ed".  He did everything he needed to do to be a a good son. 

I asked him if his mom likes this Chinese girl he is with now. His response baffled me, he said, "That's the problem...they all love her".

And they loved the other Chinese girl that came before this one too. I can't help but feel that he goes and stays into THESE relationships to make his mom happy.

Our very long merienda made me realize something...

Fil-chi boys who choose not to fight for their Filipina girlfriends are not weak. They are not spineless. They are not dependent on their families' wealth. They are simply trying to be Good Sons. 

The closer they are to their parents...the kinder their parents are...the stronger is this internal struggle.

When I probed further, he told me his mom worked so hard to provide for them. I sensed that this appreciation is the very reason why he is looking for a girl that his mom will like.  Her happiness comes before his. How selfless and yet how sad.

I asked my mom why Chinese parents prefer Chinese partners for their kids. She said, "The culture is so different. In a Chinese family, the parents are the head of the business. Hence, they are incharge of the funds.  In a Filipino family,  the kids provide for their parents the moment they start working. They also provide support to other relatives who may be in need."

 In short, she is concerned that the Filipino partner will get money from the business pot to provide for his/her family. This is a very pragmatic response. I expected this from mama.

I asked my dad and he said that the concept of Saving Face is one of the reasons why parents prefer their kids to have Chinese partners. A bit vague but then papa speaks like yoda. 

I asked my other friends, they said it's just a matter of preference. They are just physically attracted to fellow Fil-Chis.

I asked S if he was ever in this position.  He said, he liked a Filipina girl in college and he even sent her flowers. But, he stopped. He didn't want to create unnecessary chaos.

Funny thing though...my relatives and friends  in Hong Kong and Singapore don't  really understand this preference. To them, we are all Filipinos. 

 I deduce that in countries where Chinese people constitute a majority, inter-racial marriage is not an issue at all.

If you ask me, I will base my answer based on sociology...

At its core, a minority group tends to be more exclusive in an effort to preserve its culture and the purity of blood lines.The desire to belong and the sense of pride are also strong driving forces for this norm.  

Unfortunately, belongingness and pride are very primal emotional  needs. They are not easy to shake off.

I mentioned before that I am TSUTSIYA or mixed.  I'm lucky that my parents are not strict but my mom was very vocal regarding her preference.  I was allowed to date anyone and I was in a very serious relationship with a good and smart Filipino boy.  Marrying a Fil-Chi was something that just happened. 

My brother is with a pure and beautiful Filipina. We love her to bits. She knows that the way to our heart is through NAPOLEONES. Haha. And because she is from Bacolod, she is naturally malambing.

I have many friends in our Chinese family association who married Filipinas and I can assure you that they all seem happy.

I don't think marrying a fellow Fil-Chi can assure parents of a happy marriage. I know of one wife, who after a grand tinghun and grand wedding, went back with a black eye to her parents' house . 

In the same respect,  I also know of a Filipino husband,who cheated on his Filipina wife.

I don't believe that a Fil-Chi marrying another Fil-Chi or any race for that matter guarantees marital bliss and prosperity.

I've met way too many pure and mixed couple to know that what  matters the most are the following:

1. God is at the core of the relationship

2. There is love between the couple

3. Both Families have given the couple their blessing

These 3 are the foundation to a strong marriage, not money, not social class, not race.

I told my friend that if he is not sure with his girlfriend now, he should not waste her time. She is

already 32. He said, "She knows my uncertainty and ofcourse, she's not happy with it."

I could sense his inner struggle. I know him and I somehow feel she is not the one. They're just too different.

Unfortunately and FORTUNATELY  his Filipina ex is already happily married. Perhaps, love is not eternal as what sappy novels make us believe. 

To those who are struggling in their FILIPINO-CHINESE/ Tsinoy-Pinoy relationships, please don't think your partners are weak. It is a very tough decision to make. They are choosing between their own happiness versus their family.  You are their happiness.

To those who are making their partners wait, understand that there are many things we can buy in this world....time is not one of them.

I wish you all luck!

L