Love

When I was trying to have a baby, I wanted one because my husband is the eldest and the only son.  It was expected of him to have a child.

I thought it was my duty to provide one.

So I did as what any good wife is expected to do, I commanded my reproductive system to work overtime to develop a baby.

Hoy mga ovaries, mag trabaho kayo ng wagas.

I thought once I have a baby, life will be easier. People will no longer breathe on my neck and ask me questions like, "Wala pa ba?".

I was wrong.

When I gave birth, I felt this enormous amount of love and with it... came worry. 

Di ba when you have an item that someone gave you and you don't like it naman, you don't really take care of it. Bahala na kahit masira.  Kebs!

But when you love something, you take care of it, and you always check if it's okay.

I had so many realizations  in the 19 months that I have been a mother.

1. Have a baby because you want to love. 

And love as much as you can... regardless of the circumstance. 

2. Each day is a gift from God. 

Each day is an opportunity to love and experience love.

3. God owns our children. 

My baby is not mine. I only gave birth to her but she will have her own life.

4. God gives and God takes. God is sovereign.

 Realization  all these doesn't make any of it easier to accept. Ofcourse, I want life to be perfect and happy all the time.

My parents told me, there is uncertainty in life because we must be put in a position where we are thankful to God for our provisions. If we know everything, we will forget God.

Sigh...

So...

I start my day thanking God that the night went well. That everyone woke up alive. I pray for a good day ahead. I pray that God will protect my baby and my husband.  I pray for health and happiness. 

Then, at night, I thank God that the day went well and pray that He continues to bless my baby and my husband even in their sleep.

One day at a time.

I haven't been writing na because I'm no longer ON PAUSE. In fact, I barely get to pause and think.

My 1 year 7 month old baby is super active and super talkative. She can say over 300 words but her favorite word is ANGRY. 

She is always angry. Smiling and laughing but angry.

One time I asked her what she wants to eat, she replied, " Eat moon."  When I told her she can't possibly eat the moon, she said , "ANGRY!"

Last week we were in Disneyland, I asked her "Are you still angry?" She smiled and said, "Happy yay"

We can't leave her alone because she climbs in and out her crib. I am extremely grateful for her energy.

She is also a very loving human. She always goes to me and says " Hug mommy". 

She is also very appreciative. When she sees anything she likes she says, "Wow, Nice!" Nakakaganang pasayahin.

It makes me smile that she is starting to form sentences. Last night she told her dad, "Get another book."

 It's so nice to see her form her own thoughts, even if most of it seem silly.

She is particularly scared of men with mustaches. Every time  she'd see a picture of a bearded man she would say, " scarieee" or "takot."

Motherhood has been such an experience. So much love and paranoia that comes with love.

I wish I can say it has been smooth sailing but truth be told, I think it is slowly driving me to insanity.

I hope you are all well