Day 170: My 100th Post ( Life and Change)

Yey! I have officially written 100 literary crappalooza!

When I decided to close my LJ account and write more publicly, the goal then was just to record the highlights of my boring days.  That and the fact that people stopped writing in livejournal.

Seriously though, part of the original intent was  to mentally convince myself that I am having an awesome time.  I also wanted to share with my family and friends this whole new concept of DOING NOTHING. (Atleast to me, it was NEW!)

So far, I've received a lot of encouragement from people to continue writing. I'm not sure if  what I heard were imaginary voices but what the heck! The voices told me I'm cute and entertaining. 

Charoterang Voices!

So, a terrible thing happened today. S dropped his laptop and scratched the edges. And they were major scratches! 

Honestly, it was very hard to empathize because these past few days, S has been nagging me to close my bag, close the lid, close the door and then he was the one who forgot to zip up his back pack.

The maldita in me wanted to say, "Teh" But I stopped myself when I heard him tearfully say, "Gosh, why do things get destroyed...why do things get lost."

When I heard S say this, I realized he was just like a child who lost something precious and he needed comfort and not reprimand. (Opportunity to practice parenting)

I told him what I learned from Buddhism. The first noble truth tells us about DUKKHA. Dukkha can be translated to suffering, anxiety, stress.

Buddha said we get emotional suffering from growing old and death. We get anxiety, sadness, stress when we hold on to things that are constantly or are bound to change. The same truth holds then, The same truth holds now.

Unfortunately, it is very hard not to get attached.

But the truth remains. People really die.  Things really get destroyed after a certain period of time. There is nothing we can do to stop this phenomenon.

Sure, it was probably easy for me to tell him this because it wasn't my laptop. But I didn't pull this teaching out of my ass. I have also been struggling to accept this truth.

People will change. We will outgrow friendships and relationships. 

It is not to say that people are bad. They were probably perfect for us at that particular moment  but maybe our present requires a different type of person.

I have come to accept that my ex and I had a wonderful time as BF-GF  but I would have messed up
his life if I became his wife. The time with him was not a waste. I do not regret all those years.  I was
young and immature. It was not a mistake. We can't always choose our teachers. We learn and thrive under the most difficult circumstances.

I have come to accept that I  have to move on from friends who are shallow, bitchy and fun. They are not bad.  I was a shallow bitch too. However, now that I have experienced death, sickness heart break and redemption,  I could no longer enjoy their company.

People will grow old and die.

I have come to accept that my parents are getting old and the time will come that I will lose them. 

Yes, I will be 32 this month. It really sucks but what can I do. Shit!

Things will get destroyed.

I have come to accept that computers only have a lifespan of 3-5 years. My brother said I shouldn't blame myself that my trackpad gave up on me. It is not my fault. I shouldn't blame myself.

Our wood furnitures will get scratches because we use them.  S is very OC with this.

My shoes will get "gasgas" and I shouldn't just keep them in the closet to protect them from getting scratched. They are meant to be worn.

Even careers have a life span. I can't be that bibo 21-year-old yuppie anymore.

Haaaay....

It can't be sunny everyday. It must rain once in a while so that when the sun comes back we won't be complaining how effing hot it is.

We can't be happy all the time. That will just be so weird.  How will you know you are happy if you have never been sad?

That's the truth: Attachment to things and people can cause sadness and stress.  People Change. People Die. Things get Destroyed.

S still feels bad but that feeling will go away too. And I'm pretty sure when something does make him happy, that happiness will be amplified because of this shitty incident.

As for me, after writing 100 entries, I realized I have changed a lot too.  The voices tell me I seem to have become more mature. They say, I seem happier and less stressed.

I think I will listen and believe the voices.

Still on Pause,

L