Day 169: Despicable Me ( Now that I'm Married...What's Next?)

When I quit my job after such an epic decade, the future seemed to look sooo bright and shiny! But as post-nuptial depression sets in, I'm feeling a bit lost. And I'm sharing this with utmost sincerity.

I told my GBF and he replied.. " Sigh...First World Problems. Hahaha." 

But on a more serious note, apparently 1/10 brides will experience sadness after the big day.  Google it if you don't believe me!

In a nutshell: It's the overwhelming feeling of nothingness that comes after such a big and time consuming endeavor.

Many girls are excited to move out of their parents' homes. Many girls are excited to travel with their husbands. For most girls, marriage is their first taste of FREEDOM. This is especially true for Fil-Chi girls who live with traditional parents. 

But for girls like me who are rather ancient and errmmm...worldly (as Merissa puts it)... well, I've done all that. 

I've lived alone since I was 20 years old. Infact moving to our new apartment, is just like moving to another home, which I've already done 6x.

So what's next?!

The neurons in my brain literally went ballistic as they struggled to answer my question.

Singapore Airlines attempted to pitch in and help but all it did was to add more variables and hence more confusion.

Last night, I found out that my miles are expiring. That means, I will be going to Europe again next year. Even if it's not in my plans. SAYANG NAMAN DI BA!

(more chikka)

The most logical month to go is some time around May or June. Early this year, I went to Amsterdam last week of February and it was like a scene out of FROZEN.

But what if I am pregnant and huge by May? How can I enjoy tapas and wine if I'm preggers?! Worst, I won't be able to fly at all!

How about if I start working and then I get pregnant? I'll be like "Miranda" on emotional steriods! I can only imagine the combination of stress and hormonal surges.  I always believe that when you are new in a company, you give 150% during your first 6 months.  

Then, I realize that the decisions brides-to-be have to make before the wedding are nothing compared to the decisions they would have to make AFTER the wedding.

Before, it is so much easier to plan my life around projects and meetings. Now, I have to consider my husband, my biological clock, and all other things.

To be quite candid, I am already in a very good place. We have a home. We don't have debt or mortgage. I don't have to live with my inlaws or my parents. My husband provides. I don't have to work. So, don't get me wrong. I am already blessed. Which is why... I hate all these selfish thoughts in my head!

S stared at me in disappointment when I just blurted out, "How can I go on vacation if I'm pregnant?!" He said... " You know, motherhood is  not like an unplanned event or work that  will just fall on your lap."

If I can put a network and hold fate accountable, I'd hire FATE in a heartbeat. 

This is it. This life. I just have to accept that I  can't plan it.  I can only choose to live and hope for the best. 

Unfortunately, I'll quote Sylvia Plath when I say, " I desire the things that will destroy me in the end."

Still on Pause,

L