Day 100: 100 days, now what?

Today marks the 100th day since I retired from my job of 10 years. The whole point of this career break (or career encore) is to EAT, PRAY, LOVE as if there is no tomorrow. It is my time to be curious, to be lazy, to be fun and to be stupid. 

Yes, It is a luxury.

So, now I find myself brunching on a Wednesday. ON A WEDNESDAY! I love the idea! 

But please don't envy me. It's actually not as good as it seems. It's true what they say,"The grass is always greener on the other side".

Yesterday, I had another meltdown. I cried to S. I told him I miss having a job, having a team, having a voice and having a point of view that can impact the business.

S responded by telling me I have a huge job- Wedding Planning. Argghh! I told him that choosing the flowers is not the going to change the world.  This made him feel frustrated. He asked me, "Won't you ever be contented with being a wife and a mother?".

I kept quiet. In my silence, I remembered flying to Africa, Turkey,Thailand, Netherlands, Paris and.... MALAYSIA (one of the most stressful countries I worked for) . I could almost recall the concoction of stress, excitement and fear that came  with every big meeting. 

I miss it. I miss the  busy airports. I miss cramming for my presentation. I miss debating. I miss brainstorming with other people.  I miss everything.

I don't want to go to another country to have fun and to shop. Shopping?! I hate it!  When I land,I want to go to straight to a workshop or a meeting. Why? Because I am insecure and work makes me feel significant.

S asked me if it's traveling that I miss. He asked, "Aren't we going away again this July? And it's for  business, right?".

I nodded like a 5 year old. Then I told him that it's not the same. It's not going to be a big meeting. 

He just couldn't understand how one person can be so addicted to stress and yet complain so much about it. 

The strange thing is, I know that in corporate, you are only as good as your last amazing project. The moment you slow down, the moment you get a less stellar project, you start looking like a super model gaining tons and tons of weight. Next thing you know, a younger person becomes your boss. You should take this as a sign for you to take a bow.

I never reached that point of disillusionment. I quit while I was ahead. My momma told me to target a graceful exit. But the problem with walking away from a great relationship is that you will always be thinking of the one the got away. 

My dad sent me a book to help me accept my new life.

But dammit, my soul is not opening up. It's regressing!

S is not forcing me not to work. I suppose he has given up in convincing me otherwise. I still baffle him most of the time. "Shall I ever be tamed?", he asks.

 Many people say that my world will change the moment I get children. What if I don't? I haven't taken my ovaries for a test drive.

Trust me, I also dream of being one of those Ladies Who Lunch. 

But my soul is itching to do something meaningful. And yet, I have no clue what she (my soul) wants. 

So yes, 100 days. What have I achieved? Nothing?

On the contrary, I have awakened my consciousness. I finally felt that desire to start my search.  

When I was working, the only desire I felt was the desire to sleep.  

Now, I have a desire to seek for my purpose. I want to wake up and do something that makes a difference. I'm not targeting big things. I'd settle for making a person happy. Being someone's muse is a purpose too, right?

An awakened soul is not an enlightened soul but it's good enough.

Still On Pause,

L

Note: S read this and sent me this message "You have a purpose. you’re my life partner. both in and out of the house."