Dark Thoughts

Okay, sorry for the negativity but I have to write all these down.

My demons are back and I'm plagued with despair. I am having the same usual dark thoughts, all of which always end up in death.

The night before I got married, we had the traditional hair combing ceremony. As my dad combed my hair and my mom recited the wishes, I started crying. I was feeling scared that marriage means adulthood and adulthood means my parents will die eventually. 

Simple logic: As a I grow old, they grow old too.

Fast forward to now, I am developing fears on motherhood.

 I have been taking fertility treatments and 2 months into the journey, I realize that if and when I become a parent, my parents will be grandparents and grandparents die eventually.

The thoughts are so overwhelming and it's causing me depression.

Sometimes, I feel I don't want to be here and see my loved ones go. It makes me think na "Baka mas okay if unahan ko sila. "

Ofcourse crazy thoughts. And I wouldn't do such things. Takot ko Lang sa hell. 

But how do I avoid the inevitable? 

I once had a dream. I saw a tidal wave approaching and all I did was to turn my back. I closed my eyes and just gave up as death came rushing towards me. 

Yes, I have OCD and I am prone to think of fatality even in the happiest of occasions. I want to stop it too. My husband doesn't think like me and finds these thoughts extremely selfish.

There's nothing I can do except to pray and to convince myself that my God is a good God.

I tell you, such are my thoughts. 

Sad,

L