BRB

Time flies so fast! My baby girl is now 4 months and a half! 

I haven't be opening my mails! 

Look 106 unopened letters!

I'll choose one letter from the topic on being Gay in a Filipino-Chinese Family and will post soon!

In the mean time, I hope you are all well!

L

Being Gay in a Filipino-Chinese Family

A couple of years ago, I bumped into a good friend when I was in our HR building. We worked together in Singapore for quite sometime. 

He said, "Friend! Nako wish me luck! I'm finally coming out to mama and papa."

That came quite as a surprise to me because he was almost 34 years old at that time and he has been living with his partner in Singapore for close to 3 years na! Infact, I was even planning to rent a room in their HDB flat.

Didn't his parents notice that he is gay? As in no clue ever?

My gut tells me that his parents knew all along but they were just in denial and they refuse to acknowledge it.

There are those who are brave enough naman to come out to their parents early. Some 20s palang. 

The initial reaction of most moms is to cry.  Dads usually keep mum.

The next is to ask, "Are you sure? Maybe it's just a phase." 

Then parents go through denial by asking their gays sons or daughters to "meet" someone over for coffee...

In short, Kai-shao. Hehe...

I wonder if parents genuinely understand that being gay is not a matter of choice. A lesbian will not turn straight if she meets a handsome and caring man.

But, I do know of  a lesbian Fil-Chi girl who got married to make her parents happy.  Now, she is processing her annulment. Hassle! Annulments can take years! Kawawa naman asawa nya.

If it's hard for a Filipino-Chinese to be in a relationship with a Filipino...imagine how hard it is for gays to come out to their Fil-Chi family and relatives.

More often than not, even if you do come out to your parents, the family will keep quiet about it. Chances are you wont really get to discuss your relationship very openly with your parents. 

I wonder if parents feel that if they don't talk about it...it will just go away.

My message to parents: IT WONT GO AWAY. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING GAY.

Thankfully there are families who are minded and who accept their children for who they are and welcome their partners into the family. 

My friend is one of the lucky few. His parents didn't go hysterical. Perhaps, they were just waiting for him to come out.  

Fast forward to today. He just posted in Instagram a picture of him and his  partner having breakfast with his mom.

Anymore FIL-CHI LGBT stories out there?

L

Baptism of G

I was actually planning to have the baby baptized in Iloilo but our yaya told me that the baby can't travel across waters if she has not been blessed.

So, we organized a baptism with only 25 guests. We just invited our immediate family and a few friends to share the day with us.

It was a simple yet very special day.

I couldn't help but cry when I shared why the second name of our daughter is Samuelle. I read Samuel chapter 1 to our guests. It's the story of Hannah and how sad she was when she couldn't conceive. 

I really wanted to take that opportunity to talk about the Lord even if sometimes He makes life difficult. I would like to believe that He is still a kind and merciful God and I hold on to that hope everyday, now that I am a mother. 

My husband said, "Today, is the day we offer our daughter to the Lord. From this day onwards, she belongs to Him and we humbly ask for His protection."

We were filled with emotions and had to cut our speech short because I didn't want to bawl. Sayang ang make-up! Hehehe.

Here are few pictures from Baby G's Baptism.

The buffet table by Bizu.

The dessert table by Bizu.

The super gorgeous cake by Annlee's Kitchen.  Calligraphy topper by Cher Cabula.

Our venue and tables by Bizu. 

It was a simple event but I loved the small details like the pink napkins, the pink wine, the Macarons and even the pink juice!

Obvious ba that loyal ako sa Bizu? They catered our wedding and my baby shower too.

L

Starbucks Tipid Tips

Nowadays when I go to Starbux with my husband and the yaya, I order a Venti and split it among the 3 of us.

This is cheaper than ordering short for 3 people.

Everybody happy!

L

Yaya with Baby

A couple of nights ago, I saw the yaya watching a video of her 11 month old son on the iPhone we lent her.  She was watching him while she was making baptismal candles for my daughter.

I felt really sad.

Here is a mom who also has a baby but she is here with us to take care of ours.

Last week the parcels of clothes my husband ordered from the US arrived one by one. He got G a total of 20 dresses from Baby Gap and Carters

So, when we went to Mothercare. I got the yaya a new pair of shoes for her son.

Since next week happens to be her son's birthday, I asked my husband if we can give him clothes too. He got him 2 crisp polo. The yaya was very happy.

My husband said I talk to the yaya and the maids  more than I talk to some of our relatives. 

I said, as a mom, I really emphatize. Aside from that, I have lived away from home for 14 years later. I know how it feels to not have your family around.

I know it's hard to be away from home especially if you have a baby. 

The least I can do is to make life easier. 

When we eat dinner, we eat together. When I order Starbux, I order a Venti and share it with her. 

Perhaps, I am not used to having a maid but I feel guilty enjoying stuff when the person beside me isn't. 

I'm pretty sure if she decides to leave someday, I'll truly feel bad. I hope we can get a big house so that her son can live with us too. 

Truth be told, when 2 of the maids of my in-laws left, I felt quite sad. 

When I was growing up, our maid's 2 kids lived with us. We all lived together, ate in the same table, celebrated holidays from the time we were 8 until they graduated college.

But that's not a normal set-up here in Manila, I think...

L

How are you?

Have you ever noticed that there are some people in your life that when they text you, "How are you?", you immediately think..."May kailangan kaya to?".

I believe that when your friends and family habitually checks up on and ask about how you are, they somehow care about you.

Perhaps that's naive of me to think of it that way.

But when you come to think of it...that simple question requires a big investment in terms of time and emotion.

The receiver can simply say, "I'm okay" or she can go into a litany of things that trouble her.  Are you prepared to listen?

Somehow, I feel there are ever so few people in our lives who are actually prepared to listen. 

Listening is really hard especially if the topic is not to your liking. Which is why I created this journal, so that I can vent.

It's sad that I have to censor myself  nowadays. This is the only space I can freely express myself.

L

It's Hunting Season

Headhunter are calling me again. I think July is a hiring month.

Perhaps people received bad mid year reviews and are already planning to quit before getting sacked by the end of the year,

I'm seriously considering getting back into the grind.

Every time my husband gets mad at me, he reminds me that this his house and that he pays the bills. Occasionally, he tells me to leave. 

Now that we are back in Makati, I just smile when he kicks me out of the house because my condo is just 15 mins away. But when we were in New Manila, I felt so helpless kapag pinapalayas nya ako.

Ofcourse, I never actually leave, I exclusively breastfeed so how will he feed the baby if my breast are 3 blocks away.

Oh the sh*t people when they are mad.

L

Change in Spending

Yesterday, I was looking for a dress that I'll be wearing for the baptism. My husband chose a white Anne Klein dress and it was around 7,000 php.

I could not bring myself to buy it...even if it's his  money. 

It's just too much for a dress! If I find a 3,000 pesos bouncer expensive, how can I buy a 7,000 pesos for a dress that I'll probably won't wear again. It's white...how often will I wear white?

And so, I went to Karimadon in Glorietta and bought a 1,500 pesos knee-length dress instead. 

With an extra money to spare, I went to Rustans and bought this support chair for 3,400 pesos for my baby.  

I wonder if I will still buy Louboutins now that I'm aware that a pair is equivalent to a downpayment for preschool tuition...

Parenthood changed me big time.

How did parenthood change you?

L

 

100 Days

To celebrate my baby's 100th day, I just made a simple dinner for me, my husband and the yaya.

It was so simple...I didn't even buy a cake. Instead, I just stacked leftover cupcakes and stuck a lollipop on top. Clever di ba!

I prepared 2 red eggs as it is customary. Red eggs are for good luck and for new beginnings.

Then, I offered a prayer of thanks for the 100 days filled with happiness, love, tears, fears. You name it, I felt it.

As I was thanking God, my baby decided to poop. I was holding her and I felt her poop come out. She pooped so much, some of it spilled on my hands.

Hay Nako.

You know, I learned that I should celebrate her every chance I get.

 I usually worry about the future so much and with motherhood, this mindset got even worse. But my baby encourages me to take a chill pill and just enjoy the present. When I worry, she smiles or do crazy stuff like crapping on my hands.

She's so funny. She makes me feel better.

Grateful,

L

Writer's Block

I'm so sorry I haven't been writing in ages. 

My motherhood is baptism by fire. 

I am unprepared for the emotions and the challenges that came with it.

Currently, I have bouts of post partum depression, which is either caused or compounded by OCD. I won't get into that.

I worry about my baby endlessly but when she smiles...I forget my worries. 

My husband also told me that some of his family read my blog and got hurt. Truth be told, I don't know why they would read it when told me not to google stuff and worry myself silly. 

So, I decided to stop writing for a while just to avoid trouble.

If you miss me, you can always message me and I will try my best to reply.

For now, I realize that the future is so uncertain and I really have to enjoy each day with my baby. The greatest lesson, motherhood has taught me is to just be thankful for each day that my child is healthy and happy. I should stop worrying about things. So for now, avoid the news and avoid anything that will cause paranoia.

Hanging on to my sanity,

L