As the Chinese New Year approaches, I feel homesick. It's quite hard to truly identify where home is because while my family lives in Iloilo and my friends are scattered all over the world.
I've been married for close to 3 years now but I don't feel any closer to my inlaws. On the contrary, I feel the relationship has significantly regressed.
When S and I started dating, I really did my best to extend myself. I asked his sisters out. I invited his mom to have our nails done. I gave gifts. I tried to host small home dinners. But when those few attempts were not reciprocated, I lost interest.
In fact, one of the sisters never even sent me one viber message to ask how I was (or even just to say Hi) during the course of my pregnancy.
I also feel that I can't really share my fears or worries with them...only superficial happy things. So that's only one side of me. I'm not happy all the time. Are you?
To make matters worst, I'm not proficient in speaking Chinese.
One very important thing that one should now about me is...I never beg for affection or companionship. So if my attempts go unreciprocated, I am very quick to stop. It's not worth the disappointment.
My mother-in-law wants all of us to be close. I want to tell her that being close requires effort (and chemistry!) and it is not a "default mode" especially when the background is very different.
I have done casting for many ads so I know chemistry when I see one. And I know that chemistry is something I don't have with this family.
To be fair, even with missing chemistry, my MIL genuinely shows her care in her own way. She sends food and is always physically there when I need her.
However, with the rest of the family...we can all sit on the same table and I have nothing to talk about.
And I'm a very good conversationalist na ha..but I just don't feel like it. It feels awkward. I don't feel comfortable.
I have a different sense of humor from my inlaws too. My mom thinks it is hilarious when get candies from the buffet. My MIL is more proper so she corrects me. Both are good people. Just different.
Recently, my sisters-in-law have been trying to reach out to me. They now give me gifts when they travel. However, I feel it's a bit contrived because it started when my husband told them how distant I feel towards them.
Truth be told, I seem to have lost interest.
The ball is on my court.
But I still don't feel like picking it up. It doesn't feel natural kasi. It's as if they are just obligated to have me around to complete the picture, figuratively speaking.
I'm not really complaining. I have promised myself that as long as my baby is okay, I am grateful for each day.
I guess I miss my home, my family and my friends. I feel I haven't laughed out loud in quite a while.